Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Worst Pittsburgh Bars

When you drink as much as I have you get the opportunity to visit a lot of drinking establishments. Sometime later, I will detail my favorite ones. But I'm in more of a mood today to slam the ones I don't like.

1. Jimmy D’s – Southside

The bar is always crowded, usually has a line on weekends, is one of the few Southside Bars to charge cover and it feels like the dance floor is going to fall through at any moment. I mean did they pay off the Pittsburgh Fire Marshall? Where do they get off having a bar fuller than Pamela Anderson's bra? This bar attracts all the losers who want to grind on some chick but won't pay 8 bucks or wear get dressed up to get into Matrix to do so. They usually just stand around looking at girls dance and generally don't do anything except get in everyone's way.

2. Saddleridge – Station Square

Saddleridge used to be a good country bar (for those who liked country) that rolled with plenty of hot women and Coyote Ugly-esque Bartenders (everybody loves those). Now the only dancing they have is line dancing, plus the number of scantily clad bartenders is reduced, hot girls go somewhere else to dance and the drinks (except Miller or Coors Light) remain overpriced. And instead of hot girls in jean skirts riding the bull, its usually fat chicks who deserved to be ridden like a bull themselves.

Oh yeah, and the new Bar Room Pittsburgh, which took most of Saddleridge's space isn't much better. Station Square is well on its way to sucking when you couple these developments with the loss of Hooters.

3. Sunny Jim’s – Kilbuck Township

It is really nothing more than a restaurant posing as a bar. Last time I was there, kids were sitting at tables after 10 o’clock. Plus the bartenders are quick to cut you off and the Kilbuck Township police used to always wait for patrons to leave and subsequently pull them over for possible DUI’s. Two recent developments – there are no more Kilbuck police as they got disbanded, and Sunny Jim’s recently had a major fire forcing renovations. Talk about Karma, but not improvement. Sunny Jim’s still sucks as much as before. Do yourself a favor and skip this sequel.

4. Most any quaint local Irish Pub

Now let me explain before you flame me for this. When picturing a real Irish Pub I imagine a poorly lit, slightly unkempt bar with several beers on tap and a bunch of blue collar guys drinking beer by the pint and bitching about their wives while occasionally getting into fistfights and breaking shit. However, usually “Irish Pubs” are nothing more than places where they sell you overpriced appetizers and beer and call it “Irish” to get you to go there. Also, it is usually decorated all fancy. You think the bars in Ireland are decorated like it was San Francisco? No! Real men could care less how a bar is decorated! A perfect example is Sieb’s Pub in Ross Township. It has overpriced beer and appetizers, plus no hot woman, only older and usually married ones.

5. Olive or Twist - Downtown

I was dragged here last month by young professionals who wanted a "good martini." The five minutes I was there told me all I needed to know. This is your classic upscale yuppy bar the populated by businessmen who are too good to drink with the rest of the peasants, the gold-diggers who chase after them or brown-nosers near the bottom of the company’s org chart and want to “network” with the elite to move up faster and don’t mind paying $8.75 for a martini to do so.

6. Mario’s - Southside

This goes to show that Mario is nothing unless you tack on Luigi or Lemieux to the end of it. Mario’s is always crowded, takes forever to get a beer, never has specials and has 4 beer queers in tight shirts who think it’s a good idea to fight. As an added bonus, the last time I was there, there was a line for the men’s bathroom and none for the women’s. So naturally I went and peed in the women’s room and left. Like I’m staying at a sausage fest. I finished my beer and left to never come back.

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