Sunday, November 23, 2008

Bar Rules

It has come to my attention that people are woefully informed of proper bar etiquette. What should of been a great weekend was ruined when a drunken bastard decided it would be a good idea to hit on my girl and then proceeded to follow us to 2 other bars when we tried to leave him.

While playing pool on Saturday, a semi conscious Mr. Clean wannabe knocked over Irish Road's beer and refused to pay for it, apologize, or even acknowledge he had done it. I have taken it upon myself to inform the general public proper etiquette at the bar. This may be the first in a series.

1. Hitting on girls who are with another guy and obviously taken is NEVER allowed. Examples of unacceptable behavior involve flirting, requesting phone numbers, stalking the couple to another bar and buying the lady drinks are forbidden and will often result in you picking your teeth off of the bar floor.

2. If you are responsible for spilling someone's drink, apologize and offer to buy another. Case Closed. Violations of this rule will result in the rest of my or my buddies drink being thrown in your face.

3. Call it a night and go home if you have any issues staying awake. This includes putting your head on the table, using your arm to prop up your head or having your eyes close when not blinking.

4. Cock-blocking another guy at the bar is only acceptable when he is hitting on your sister. In which you are allowed to separate him from his testicles if he puts his hands on her.

5. Or when she resembles an offensive lineman.

6. Follow the urinal etiquette rules already penned by Irish Road.

7. When you are trading rounds with a fried, KEEP UP, nursing your beer will only annoy him, or just purchase 2 beers for him when its your turn to buy.

8. When trading rounds with friends, don't suddenly upgrade your liquor preference to Grey Goose or Patron.

9. While drinking with co-workers, NEVER get appreciably drunker than any of them. Failure to follow this rule will result in weeks of office gossip not in your favor and possibly affect future promotions. Note: This rule is void for blue collar workers. In that case, you are expected and is in fact a badge of honor to drink more than your co-workers.

10. Tip the bartenders. Bartenders usually make something like $2.13 per hour and depend on tips to make money. If being socially conscious isn't your thing, don't forget the bartender is going to treat you like the plague next time you want a drink.

11. If you want to dance go to a place with an established dance floor.

12. If your friend is challenged to a fight it is your duty to back him up. If your arm is in a sling, go find a bouncer to break it up.

That is all for now. I'm sure I'll have more to say after amateur night on Wednesday as all the idiots come out and disrupt the drinking of the professionals.

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