Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Urinal Etiquette


When it comes to Urinal Etiquette almost every guy has a way they like to do things. You have your plan, you go in, you do your thing and then you get out. Lately though some guys just don’t respect the unwritten ‘Guy Code’ at the Urinal. They feel the excessive need to walk in and act gay.
If you are that guy then these are for you. If you don’t follow them you’re liable to your own ass getting kicked. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

1. Walk in and respect the line.
-Do not cut others who have to expend what’s in their bladders.

2. If you must wait for a urinal, do so respectfully.
-If you absolutely have to talk to the dude next to you make short comments. Do not stare at those pissing. Only glance quickly to see if a urinal has opened.

3. Urinal cushion between guys.
-When possible use a cushion of at least one empty urinal between you and the guy next to you. I like my space when I’m pissing. Its bad enough I have to stand next to someone when I’m draining the lizard. It’s worse to stand next to somebody while pissing when there’s an available urinal cushion. This is grounds for an ass-kicking!

4. Walk up to Urinal with eyes forward.
-Walking up and looking around may cause an inadvertent glance at another penis. Such look is grounds for an ass-kicking!

5. Do not speak.
-While I’m sure you may have something interesting to say, I don’t want to hear it. I am trying to concentrate on pissing. I don’t need to hear your comments on some hot chick in the club or how the fucking weather is. Besides, I’ll take the hot chick comment as a front for your homosexuality and kick your ass! In fact …

6. Courtesy flush.
- Give me the courtesy of hearing running water since your heavy ass just noisily stumbled up to the urinal next to me while I was busy concentrating.

7. No looking.
-I know it was said before but it’s worth repeating. When you’re at the urinal you must be as disciplined as an Army Ranger in formation. Stand in your pissing position and keep your eyes locked forward. I will kick your ass if you break ranks!

8. Back splash is gay.
-Stand close enough to piss in the urinal and far enough away to avoid back splash. For God sakes dude, if I’m trying to pick up a chick I’m not going to do it with your piss on my shoes. That’s one of the fashion things they check out. Shoes. I don’t need urine on mine because you wanted to stand with your wang in the urinal.

9. Shake 3 times.
-Any more and you’re just playing with it. But shake it well too! No need for piss stains when you’re trying to pick up chicks!

10. If you have to piss in a stall, lift the seat.
-Come on asshole! It’s not difficult to kick it up! By no means should you touch it with your hands. But kick it up. What if you’re the dude that has to drop a man-bomb on emergency? You don’t want little golden drops awaiting your rectum! Be respectful for those unfortunate souls who can’t hold it in a public area.

11. Do not take all day in the bathroom.
-You are a guy. This is not a social event. Get in. Get the hell out. That’s why there’s a water cooler, douche bag! Go there and talk about your dumb ass American Idol.

12. The sink is unacceptable.
-God gave us a penis for many reasons. One of them was so we didn’t have to be little bitches and piss every 20 minutes. If the urinals and the stalls are full then hold it. Don’t be the idiot that pisses where we sanitize our hands. Besides, if you really have to be the pussy of the group, go outside. Unless you forgot, you can still piss while standing up. Therefore ‘the world is your urinal’. Use it. Leave the sink to cleaning hands.

13. Wash hands.
-We’re men. We’re rough. But for God’s sake dude, wash your hands! You just had your hands somewhere in that restroom that didn’t agree with your cleanliness. And if you plan on giving me or anyone a high-five you better not bring some piss-germs.

14. At a fancy place do not tip the towel guy.
-I can dry my hands myself. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I don’t think I need to start paying for some guy to hand me a towel. That’s like being a beer brewer and then buying your own brand at the store. Don’t be retarded.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I hope you enjoyed. Please respect the Urinal Etiquette Commandments. I really don’t want to have to kick your ass.


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