Tuesday, September 30, 2008


The Steelers victory over the hated Ravens allowed them to extend their NFL record to 14 straight home wins on Monday Night Football.

Some notes from the game:
  • Mewelde Moore finally made an appearance with 3 big catches for 37 yards although only managing 13 yards on 8 carries.
  • James Harrison and Lamar Woodley are quickly becoming the top duo of outside linebackers in the league. They combined for 10 tackles, 8 assists, 4 sacks, w forced fumbles and one touchdown.

  • Jeff Reed made all 3 field goal attempts and has now made 30 of his last 32 field goals with the only missing being a 65 yarder last year at Denver and during the Mud Bowl vs. the Dolphins at Heinz Field.

  • Rashad Mendenhall and Kendall Simmons are out for the season after suffering a fractured shoulder and torn achilles respectively.

So where do the Steelers go from here? The Steelers offense was abysmal in the first half last night. It only began to function after the Steelers went to their no-huddle offense. Expect more of that next week as Jacksonville's defense is tough against the run and Mewelde Moore, the likely starting running back, specializes as a pass catcher.

The Steelers must choose a replacement for Kendall Simmons. The way I see it, they have 3 options: Insert either Darnell Stapleton or Trai Essex into his spot or slide Willie Colon to guard and insert $7 Million Man Max Starks at right tackle. Seeing how Stapleton is inexperienced and Willie Colon has never played guard in the NFL, the smart money is on Trai Essex starting next week.

At running back expect the Steelers to sign Gary Russell off the practice squad and maybe another back depending on the condition of Carey Davis's sprained ankle. Other than that, just pray for Willie Parker's quick recovery and that the injury bug doesn't strike again.

Give the Steelers Defensive line credit. Baltimore was unable to establish any semblance of dominance even with backups playing at the Nose Tackle and Right Defensive End positions. Baltimore average only 3.1 yards per carry which allowed the linebackers plenty of 3rd and longs to tee off on Joe Flacco.

Was that the Steelers kick coverage team we saw last night or did we trade them for something better while I was drinking at Oktoberfest over the weekend? 4 punt returns for 7 yards and 6 kickoff returns for 120 yards are definetly an improvement over recent years.

It was good to see 3rd round pick LB Bruce Davis actually get into uniform. What wasn't so good was getting flagged for an illegal block in the first quarter.

Your updated AFC North Standings:

Steelers 3-1

Ravens 2-1

Browns 1-3

Bengals 0-4

It's good to see order restored in the world. The Steelers are now tied for the 3rd best record in the AFC with the Denver Broncos and behind the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills.

However the Cardinals and 49's are tied for the division lead in the NFC West with identical 2-2 records. So maybe things are only right on the East Coast.

Friday, September 26, 2008


A few random thoughts from the last week:

1. The Steelers line looks like a sieve against the Eagles and right now shouldn't be on anybody's list as a Superbowl contender.

2. If the Browns and Bengals didn't play each other twice a season the state of Ohio might never have seen an NFL victory this year.

3. Call me crazy but I just can't give the credit to the Titans that they are receiving from the Football experts. I don't know about you but wins against a struggling Jacksonville squad and weak Houston and Cincinnati teams isn't anything to write home about. Let me see them face a team playing good football before I rank them in the top 5.

4. My sleeper teams the Bills and Cardinals are 5-1 (the Tennessee Titans rule applies to the Cardinals though).

5. After gloating last week about my record Karma came back and bit me in the ass with a horrible week. Let's hope I've been forgiven.

On to the Picks!


Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5)
This should be known as the 'Toilet Bowl' for the next 5 years just for how awful these teams play. Peter King where is the amazing Carson Palmer that you've been telling us all about? Oh ... there he is lying on his backside again. What's with Derek Anderson? I thought the Brownies had a plethora of young talented QBs. I guess they have one crappy QB and another inexperienced backup. I honestly have no idea who to pick on this one. The Bengals at least made a game out of last week's contest with the Giants. Maybe they'll carry some momentum of not sucking completely.
Bengals -3.5

Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans (-3)
Are the Vikings this year's 2006 Dolphins? You know ... the team they pre-season picked to win the Superbowl only to go like 2-14 or something. I don't think they're that bad but you never know. The Titans D is looking pretty decent even if it has been against a few soft offenses. But anytime you're 3 games into a season and you've only given up 29 points you're doing well. Unless Adrian Peterson can pull off a big day don't look for the Men in Purple to do anything significant with the ball.
Titans -3

Denver Broncos (-9) at Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs better bring their A-game ... better yet they should bring somebody else's A-game ... and a noisy crowd to this contest if they want any type of chance to disrupt the Broncos high scoring offense. Cutler's Crew is putting up an average of 38 points a game and they've needed to because their defense has surrendered an average of 28 points per game. I'm guessing this will go more like their opener when they held the Raiders to 14 points. They'll still throw up about 40 themselves though.
Broncos -9

San Francisco 49er's at New Orleans Saints (-6)
I'm missing something. I've got to be. What does everyone love about the 49'ers this week that makes them believe they'll cover the spread? They've won their last two but one was a pathetic excuse of a game by the Seachickens and the other was against the Lions. Is J.T. O'Sullivan that good? He'll have to prove it before I go ga-ga over the 49er's. The Saints are at home coming off of two tough losses. Their offense looked very good last week albeit in a loss. I like them here.
Saints -6

Arizona Cardinals at New York Jets (-1)
Is there a rule that says you can't pick against your sleeper team? Are they like your adopted team for that season and you stick with them because of your belief that they'll actually make it that year? Or maybe it's pride and you don't want to pick against them because that means you think that you might have been wrong. I really am having issues going against the Jets at the Meadowlands when they're playing a team from the desert. Whatever ... it's not that cold yet!
Cardinals +1

Green Bay Packers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.5)
Tampa Bay has the advantage of Mother Nature in this one. Game time temperature should be in the 90's down on the field. I don't know if that will affect the Packers that much this early in the season. Aaron Rodgers looked pretty good against the Cowboys last week in the loss. I'd say number 12 is the Cheesehead jersey to sport around Wisconsin now. I don't know if he can put up big numbers against the Bucs defense though. I think the Bucs can shut him down this week.
Buccaneers -1.5

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers (-7.5)
One of the biggest surprises for me so far this season is that Matt Ryan is still alive. Not only alive but his Falcons are 2-1. But this is no ordinary defense they're facing. The Julius Peppers led unit has held their opponents to 24, 20, and 17 points this year. Not too shabby considering one of those opponents was the Chargers. I think they'll get to Ryan early and often and they'll have a loud Carolina crowd behind them to make it even more difficult for the Atlanta rookie.
Panthers -7.5

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7.5)
The Jaguars are obviously the better team here and have been since the Texans came into the league. So maybe somebody can tell me how the Texans are winners of 3 of the last 4 matchups. They always seem to do well in Jacksonville. What gives? The Texans have been completely dismantled by the Titans and the Steelers with Schaub at the helm. I don't think we're going to see them come in and get their first win against the Jags.
Jaguars -7.5

San Diego Chargers (-7) at Oakland Raiders
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA .... wait a second .... last week when I did that both teams had off games and my picks were screwed .... I'll try this again. Please dear god let the Chargers blow out the Raiders!!!! Pleeeeaaaase!!!
Chargers -7

Buffalo Bills (-8) at St. Louis Rams
Let's do the math. The Bills beat the Seachickens 34-10. The Seachickens beat the Rams 37-13. Therefore by the powers of reasoning the Bills should blow out the Rams. The Rams actually have lost by 35, 28, and 24. I really hope the Bills weak game against the Raiders was a fluke. I'm guessing this is a 20 point victory. But I'll cross my fingers so Karma doesn't kill this pick.
Bills -8

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys (-11)
I know Dallas is everyone's favorite team this year but how do you give them 11 against a division rival? Don't tell me because it's at home because the Eagles almost beat them at home. The Redskins are no Eagles but they also aren't 11 points worse than the Cowboys.
Redskins +11

Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Chicago Bears
This is another 'What does Vegas know that we don't' game. Why are the Eagles only getting 3 against da Bears? Especially after the Eagles D made Tomlin and his offensive coaching staff look retarded. When you've got a QB who's considered a 'Game Manager' going against a quick blitzing defense like Philly has it's another recipe for disaster. Let's hope Mr. Crazy Beard Orton doesn't get killed.
Eagles -3

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5.5)
Do you think Tomlin and the Offensive staff learned about screen plays this week? Do you think maybe the offensive line got coached a little? Will Rashard Mendenhall be ready to carry the load without putting the ball on the turf? There's a lot of questions the Steelers needed to address after last week's raping courtesy of Philadelphia (Did Big Ben call a Woman's Crisis center to address his emotional issues after being turned into a prison bitch?). Let's hope they answered a few because the Ravens aren't going to take this lightly. Especially not after the text message Rashar-shar gave them to feed off of. Steeltown will need him to make good on his words. I like the Steelers to win at home. But don't think that they'll cover this spread.
Ravens +5.5

Last Week's Record: 4-12
Season Record: 24-23

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hottest Female Movie Villains

So after some time off from moving and a surgery I'm back to bring you a list of importance like none other. Good female villains are a hard thing to come by and we love them. I've racked my brain and have come up with what I think is a pretty good list of the Hottest Female Villains. There were criteria for someone to make this list.

1. I didn't accept just any normal villain. The villain had to be able to fight in some physical capacity. This rules out villains like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. While hot, she probably could be knocked off by some street thug with a knife and a coke addiction.

2. The chick had to be hot. Obviously a list like this requires someone who's easy on the eyes. It makes it easier for the victims to accept their fate that in two seconds they will have their throat slit.

3. We chose only villains from movies. I'm sure there are tons of very good comic book characters and cartoon characters that make great villains but ours has some tangibility to them. There were a few good ones from TV but you don't always get to see the full killer instinct of TV villains.

So with out further delay here's the list!

15. Mallory Knox (Juliette Lewis)
In the opening scene of 'Natural Born Killers' Mallory Knox and her beau viciously murder an entire cafe of patrons. A great opening to any movie. Mallory is a woman who at first glance is the girl next door and as soon as you turn your back she sticks a knife in you. Plus she's dating a chump like Woody Harrelson so it gives you the impression that you have a shot with her.

14. Hu Li (Zhang Ziyi)
In 'Rush Hour 2', though just an underling in the crime organization, Hu Li is a martial arts badass who gives Carter (Chris Tucker) more than he can handle. She's young, she's hot and she is trusted with protecting the head of the Triads with her fighting skills. If it wasn't for the dumb luck of Carter she'd be alive still.

13. Mai Linh (Maggie Q)
Mai Linh is the number 2 in a plot to ruin the United States in a terrorist 'cyber' attack. She's smart and beautiful which is always a lethal combination of it's own. But later in the movie we see her flash her hand to hand skill as she gives John McClane all he can handle. Only with McClane's recklessness and an SUV is Mai Linh stopped in 'Live Free or Die Hard.'

12. Madison Lee (Demi Moore)
Honestly I don't know anything about this movie, 'Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle'. But how could you leave Demi Moore off a list of hot villains. When they give you screen shots of a beautiful woman in a fur coat, high heels and lingerie while holding a gun I think you've got to include them.

11. Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman)
In 'Batman and Robin' Poison Ivy is a lab nerd turned sexy seductress after her lab partner tries to kill her. The result is a villain with the ability to kill a man with a single poisoness kiss. Works for me! Only with Uma's charisma could you have a character like Poison Ivy. Though the film won't be recognized for it's, um, wonderful plot and screenplay at least if it's on you get a villain like Ivy to look at.

10. Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama)
School Girl! School Girl! School Girl!!! Okay I'm done ... I think. In 'Kill Bill' Gogo is the definition of a hardcore female villain. An awesome, weapons wielding, destruction machine hell bent on killing anything that pisses her off. Though skilled with a tanto, her method of battle with Beatrix Kiddo is a meteor hammer. After an intense fight (probably one of the better ones in movies) Gogo is killed and her story is ended. If she hadn't been I would have loved to see her get her own spin off.

9. Dark Phoenix/Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)
Jean Grey is turned into the Dark Phoenix at the end of 'X-Men United' only to return in 'The Last Stand' to wreak havoc on the world. The Dark Phoenix is a hot unstable version of Jean Grey who acts on violent desires. Phoenix is widely considered to be the most powerful mutant alive. Only by the actions of Wolverine is she stopped in the end.

8. Lady Deathstrike (Kelly Hu)
In X-Men United, Kelly Hu is Lady Deathstrike, a mind controlled pawn of Eric Striker. With her amazing agility and razor sharp claws she battles off the X-Men to ensure the completion of her master's mission. Once again the other claw wielding psycho Wolverine kills her and ends her reign of terror.

7. Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer / Lee Merriweather)
We had sort of a mini tie for seventh. I thought without a doubt that Catwoman should be on this list. So I wrote down Michelle Pfeiffer but Runhigh made a good point about Lee Merriweather, a former Miss America, being worthy of this instead. So I came to the conclusion that two sexy, um, pussies were much better than one. Merriweather set it all up in the original 1966 Batman and Pfeiffer knocked it dead in the 1992 Batman Returns film. Either way you look at it, when you have a hot, flexible woman in a leather suit you can't lose.

6. O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu)
Kill Bill's other favorite villain, played by the very attractive Lucy Liu, was a no brainer to add to our list. As the head of the Tokyo Yakuza, O-Ren is one of the most dangerous women on the planet. She started her killing ways at the age of 9 when she became an assassin after the death of her parents. She then possessed her own gang of assassins, the Crazy Eighty-Eights and the rest is history. This killing machine and beautiful villain was an easy choice for number 6.

5. T-X (Kristanna Loken)
The unstoppable force versus the immovable object. Anytime you add two artificially intelligent machines to a movie and program them to kill each other you get great results. Make one of those machines the super sexy Kristanna Loken and you get another addition to our list. As T-X in 'Terminator: Rise of the Machines', Loken is programmed to chase down and eliminate John Connor. Unfortunately the Governator was there and ended her character's role in the film.

4. May Day (Grace Jones)
I know a lot of people are going to question this one but hear me out. In 1985 the 14th Bond film cast Grace Jones as May Day, Max Zorin's training partner, bodyguard and lover. They could not have cast a more perfect actress. Grace Jones is the definition of a strong woman. She's got great structure, great skin and a perfect physique as you see in the film when she puts the beat down on Bond. She was a fearless villain and virtually unstoppable. She was only taken out after Zorin betrayed her and she sacrificed herself to stop a bomb.

3. Lola (Kate Nauta)
When I watch Kate Nauta in 'The Transporter 2' just one word comes to mind, DAAAAAMMNN!
Kate has an amazing body that the director took every advantage of showing off. She also has a half-crazed look of 'I want to blow your effing brains out' during the movie which for some reason also turns me on. But when she wields two automatics at once it completes a trifecta and earns her a spot at number 3 on our list.

2. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn)
I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that they painted the naked body of Rebecca Romijn blue. Maybe it's the fact that it's Rebecca Romijn. It doesn't matter. The things that makes her character number 2 on our list of Hot Villains are those and more. As Mystique in the X-Men films she has the ability to shape shift at any moment. Easily a hundred dirty thoughts come to the minds of the millions of comic book geeks out there (I'm one). She's quick, agile, and doesn't need to bring any weapons to kick some ass. The only real negative about her is her obsession with that old dude Magneto. Hmmm .... maybe a little somethin' somethin' going on there? Whatever it is Mystique is one hot chick ... mutant ... whatever.

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen)
Famke has done it again. She's landed on our list twice but more importantly she's landed in the top spot with her Bond character Xenia Onatopp. As the sexy Bond villain she makes life hell for James as she competes with him at every little thing in the movie. First she smokes him on the French hills in her Ferrari. The they battle at Baccarat. She then steals a helicopter before he can stop her (which she herself pilots). They then battle in a steam room (quite hot, no pun intended). Finally they battle once more in the Cuban rainforest.

Xenia not only has the skill and training for killing she actually seems to get some sort of orgasmic pleasure from it. Her trademark though is the incredible squeeze she puts on her victims with her thighs. It's like she's crushing their rib cage and yet getting off in the same action. I don't know many men who wouldn't mind being taken out in that fashion. This
ex-military pilot gone killing machine is our number 1 Hottest Female Movie Villain.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


After another up and down week I'm back for week three. I've learned a few things so far:
-The Lions once again almost messed things up royally for me last week.
-It looks as if the Panthers are the real thing this year (which means they'll suck again next year).
-The Chicago Defense is back and should battle the Packers for the NFC North.
-The Vikings are looking more overrated by the week.
-The NFC is slowly becoming the stronger conference due to some key AFC injuries and another slow start from the Chargers.
-And Finally the Monday night announcing crew of Jaws, Tirico, and Kornheiser (or Cornholio as we call him here) may be the worse crew of all time. Listening to them actually makes you want to hear the dumb crap that John Madden says on Sunday nights. They almost screwed up one of the best Monday Night Games ever . . . almost.
-Oh ... and lastly but most importantly ... I KICK ASS! No seriously. After an 11-4 week I deserve to say I rule .... I've got to go knock on wood now so that karma doesn't come back and kill me this week.

On to the Picks!

Kansas City Chiefs at Atlanta Falcons (-4)
I realize that 'Don't bet on the Falcons' applies here. But this is the Chiefs. The Chiefs who lost to the Raiders in Arrowhead Stadium. I hate this one. It's a battle between two of the bottom 5 teams in the league and one is getting 4 points. I think Matt Ryan will have enough with the Atlanta crowd behind him.
Falcons -4
Oakland Raiders at Buffalo Bills (-7)
Too easy. The Bills defense is far superior to the Raiders offense (who showed some improvement last week). The Bills offense is Superior to the Raiders ... um ... do they have a defense? Anyways, put the game in Orchard Park and you've got a double digit victory. I'll take the Bills.
Bills -7
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Chicago Bears (-3.5)
The Bears have a 'Game Manager' on offense. Kyle 'My beard is out of control' Orton does just enough to not blow the game for the Bears. This would be tough against the more skilled teams when you need a play or two down the stretch to win. But against the average and weak teams it will be enough for their defense to win. The Bucs need to pull together more if they expect to make the playoffs this year with the Saints and Panthers both showing some solid play. Give me da' Bears.
Bear -3.5
Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)
The Titans looked pretty solid with Collins at the helm. Of course you've got to account for the fact that it was against the Cinncy Bungals. The Texans, although not needed, received a Bye week to rest. You can bet that their defense is hungry for an old QB who can't scramble around much. They'll get to Collins early and often and make it a long day for the home crowd. The Texans upset.
Texans +3.5
Carolina Panthers at Minnesota Vikings (Even)
The Panthers are the real deal this year and this week a speedy, sure-handed Steve Smith comes back ready to put up some big stats. The Vikings couldn't hold a 15 point lead in the fourth quarter against the weakened Colts last week. I can't imagine how they will stop the Panthers. I think Carolina's D will have enough to hold off Adrian Peterson and ... um ... well whoever the hell is taking snaps this week.
Carolina wins.
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-10.5)
Dolphins at Patriots? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What was that Joey Porter was spouting about victories this week? Who cares? Patriots in a laugher.
Patriots -10.5
Cincinnati Bengals at New York Giants (-10.5)
Bungals at Giants? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All the name changing in the world will not help the other AFC loud mouth Chad Ocho Cinco. Giants in a laugher.
Giants -10.5
Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins (-1)
The 'Skins showed a lot of heart last week by coming back on the Saints. I really like how their defense is starting to come around. The Cardinals, my NFC sleeper, put their boot down on the weaklings of the AFC last weak. The Warner-Boldin hookup is looking sexy this year and the 'Edge' seems to be back in form. I like this matchup for the Cards.
Cardinals +1
Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49'ers (-2.5)
What can you say? Some weeks you just get a few Bottom of the Barrel matchups. The 49'ers beat an unbelievably disappointing Seahawks team while the Lions came back against the Packers only to blow it again. Honestly I don't know who to take in this one (I never did claim to be an expert). I love a good upset so let's go with the Lions this week.
Lions +2.5
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-6)
Eff you Seahawks! Eff You, Eff You, Eff You!!!!! How do you lose to the freakin' 49'ers????? You guys suck! Oh yeah .... The Rams suck more. Seahawks, but I don't know why.
Seahawks -6
New Orleans Saints at Denver Broncos (-6)
The Broncos are on pace to break the 2007 Patriots single season scoring mark. Yeah I know it's early and it won't last. Yeah I know they should have lost last week. I really give Shanahan credit last week though. No not for going for the win. I think he felt bad about getting that call on the 'Non-fumble' that was so obviously one so he decided to give the Chargers D another chance to win it. They failed and his team is now 2-0. The Saints will be an 8-8 team. Give me the Broncos.
Broncos -6
Pittsburgh Steelers at Philadelphia Eagles (Even)
The Battle for the Keystone State. I don't know whether the Eagles offense looked good last week with their impressive passing game and 37 points or looked bad with their 13 fumbles between McNabb and Westbrook. Lets hope they didn't address this problem during the week. You've gotta love the way the Steeler D is just stomping the crap out of the opposition. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. This week should be a great indicator of how strong they really are since they haven't faced a team with this much firepower yet. I'll take the stronger Steeler D.
Steelers win
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-4)
The Colts could really use a Bye Week already. I can't recall a more banged up offensive line. Manning is constantly feeling the pressure and you've gotta believe that he can't keep winning games on his own like he did last week against the overrated Vikings. Not only that but the Jaguars are due. After getting a beat down from the Titans and losing to Buffalo after having the lead late in the game you know they want to prove themselves and get on the winning track. I think they'll come out with an extremely physical game and pound Manning into the ground all day.
Jaguars +4
Cleveland Browns (-1) at Baltimore Ravens
Um .... So it's the Old Browns ... I mean Ravens vs. the New Bro .... I mean the Browns. The Browns really showed no signs of offensive life yet. I mean they have really been dead. Their opposing defense doesn't really get easier this week either. At least the Ravens don't have an offense either. I think the Brownies come out and finally get their first victory of the season.
Browns -1
Dallas Cowboys (-1.5) at Green Bay Packers
The Cowboys won't have the home crowd to feed off of this week. Their defensive backs looked pretty slow and out of place against the Eagles. Don't expect it to get any easier for them against Aaron Rodgers and Co. I expect Mr. Rodgers to have another spectacular day throwing the ball down field. The Pack will get the benefit of the Lambeau crowd and their D will respond. The Pack takes over NFC supremacy.
Packers +1.5
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers (-6)
I hate you Favre, I hate you Favre, I hate you Favre!!! J-E-T-S Jets, Jets Suck! I mean come on. Just remember who was the first to claim how overrated they were. That's right ... this guy!!! And you've got to be counting on the Chargers avoiding the 0-3 start. Especially after the crap they took last week. Chargers pound the Jets.
Chargers -6
Last Weeks Record: 11-4
Season Record: 20-11

2008 Pens Preview

2008 Pittsburgh Penguins Preview

It seems so short ago that Detroit was hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup while the rest of us watched in disbelief. Here was betting that the Penguins would pull out another improbable comeback victory. Down 2 goals with 5 minutes left in the 3rd period, my brother in law texted me saying he still believed. I did to, until Marian Hossa’s backhand slid across the goal line with :00 reading on the clock.

Now however, the Mercenary has moved on to Detroit, apparently following the age old axiom, if you can’t beat them, join them, especially if they will pay you a truckload of money to do so.

So let’s take a moment to examine what is left on the Penguins roster for the upcoming season.


Sidney Crosby – The best in the world at his position. Was leading the league in points when he was injured last season, and tied for the playoff lead in points. Will be fully healed from his high ankle sprain and should be better than ever. Look for Crosby to begin shooting more as he will be lacking a top scoring winger to open the season.

Evgeni Malkin – When Sid the Kid went down with a high ankle sprain last season the naysayers were predicting the apocalypse for the Pens but Malkin established himself as one of the most dominant centers in the NHL by scoring 36 points in the 21 games Crosby was out from January 19. to March 2nd. Although he tailed off slightly in the postseason, he still managed to score 22 points, a very respectable number. His importance to the team is underscored by the 5 year $43.5 million given to him by management this past offseason.

Jordan Staal – After scoring 29 goals as a rookie, Staal slipped to 12 last season. With the departures of Hossa and Ryan Malone, he will be counted on to produce more and may play on Evegeni Malkin’s left wing this season. Also look for him to take Malone's role in front of the net on the power play. He also kills penalties. Staal is entering the last year of his entry level contract and will be eligible for restricted free agency next season. A big season would go a long way toward securing a lucrative long term deal.

Petr Sykora – Sykora is a solid winger who chipped in 28 goals in the regular season, but only managed 6 goals and 3 assists in the playoffs. More will be expected of him come playoff time this year. The Pens may benefit by giving him more power play time as he is a sniper with a wicked shot.

Max Talbot – Solid role player. May get a chance to be the 3rd line center this year if Staal plays alongside Malkin. Contributed 12 goals and 26 points last season as well the game tying goal in Game 5 against the Red Wings. Also is a top penalty killer on the Penguins.

Tyler Kennedy – Posted a solid rookie season with 10 goals in 55 games. Failed to score in the postseason but contributed as a good forechecker. Look for Kennedy to contribute on the third and fourth lines.

Miroslav Satan – Managed only 16 goals last season while playing for the hapless Islanders. Satan did score 62 goals in the previous 2 seasons before last and should benefit by playing on Crosby’s wing. Look for him to have 25-30 goals and 55-60 points this year.

Ruslan Fedotenko – Another Islander winger who scored 16 goals last year. 8 of those goals were scored on the power play and Fedotenko will most probably receive little power play time on the Pens. Look for him to fit in as a 3rd line winger.

Matt Cooke – Was signed to replace fan favorite Jarko Ruutu as the team pest. Scored 10 goals last season so he is not completely without talent. He fit on the 3rd or 4th lines nicely.

Pascal Dupuis – Acquired in the Marian Hossa deal from Atlanta last season and played admiringly and reliably on Crosby’s wing. He will probably begin the season there again, but he fits best on the 3rd line. He has great speed and good defensive awareness which makes him one of the Penguins better penalty killers.

Janne Pesonen – Signed by the Pens to a two way contract after posting 34 goals and 78 points in 56 games in becoming the MVP of the Finish Hockey League. Will need to adjust to the smaller rink size in the NHL and may spend some time in Wilkes-Barre if he doesn't adjust immeadiately. Has shown a spark early in training camp and could eventually develop into a winger capable of playing with Crosby or Malkin.

Eric Godard – Skill-less enforcer with 1 goal and 171 penalty minutes on his resume last year. Godard is replacing Georges Laraque who signed with the Canadians for more money. Had 17 fights last season, but won only 5 with 4 draws according to fan voting on Hockeyfights.com. Also lost a fight to Georges Laraque. Look for him to skate around aimlessly and to punch a few people in the face. Later he will get benched by Michel Therrien who will eventually tire of killing off the unnecessary penalties he will inevitably take.


Sergei Gonchar – A brilliant offensive defensemen and Malkin’s landlord. Gonchar had 12 goals and 65 points last season while improving his defensive play to make him a worthy candidate for the Norris Trophy, albeit he wasn’t nominated. More of the same can be expected this season.

Ryan Whitney – A slightly disappointing season last year with only 40 points may have been partially due to a foot deformity that was corrected this offseason and will probably keep him out until at least Thanksgiving or Christmas. He should be back at full strength in the second half of the season. The Pens have enough defensive depth to cover for his loss while he is on the mend.

Hal Gill – The “USS Gill” was acquired at the trade deadline last year to provide size and strength to the Pens blue line. Did that as well as chip in a goal and 4 points in 16 games following his acquisition.

Brooks Orpik – Was retained by management this offseason with a 6 year, $23 million deal after losing out in the Marian Hossa sweepstakes. Orpik provides solid defense and great hitting ability. Orpik played on the top defense pairing with Sergei Gonchar in the playoffs after being relegated to left wing at one point last season. His specialty is burying Detroit Red Wings in the corner board of the Mellon Arena.

Kris Letang – The 21 year old defenseman had a solid regular season posting 23 points in 63 games while only posting 2 points in 16 postseason contests. Should continue to progress this season and will be counted on to pick up some of the slack in Whitney’s absence.

Mark Eaton/Rod Scuderi – Defensive Defensemen who provide quality depth for the Pens but little offensive prowess. Both have proven to be more than adequate partners for Sergei Gonchar. Both are willing to sacrifice their bodies for the good of the team by blocking shots.

Darryl Sydor – At this point of his career Sydor is solid on defense while occasionally being able to chip in a point here or there. Could be moved at some point to clear salary as well lessen the glut of NHL caliber defensemen the Pens have.

Alex Goligoski – Could be ready for the jump to the NHL after just one season at Wilkes-Barre Scranton. Posted 38 points in 70 regular season contests for the Baby Pens but lit the scoreboard up for 28 points in only 23 playoff games. At 5-11 and 180 pounds he may have difficulty playing the body around the net. Will have trouble making the club out of camp owing to the 7 healthy NHL defenseman on the Pens roster.


Marc-Andre Fleury – Upon returning from a high ankle sprain last season, Fleury showed why he was made the #1 overall pick in the 2003 Entry Draft. Fleury was 12-2 in the Eastern Conference playoffs en route to a matchup with the Red Wings. Several soft goals, most notable the own goal in Game 6 which was the eventual game winner overshadowed an excellent post season of work capped off by his 55 save performance in the triple OT win in Game 5. Fleury was signed to a 7 year $35 million contract in the offseason and will be around for a long time.

Dany Sabourin – Decent backup goalie who did lost job to Ty Conklin last season. Was 10-9-1 with a 2.75 GAA. Something similar this year would be acceptable. The team is counting on Fleury to play 60 or so games and Sabourin to spell him when need be. Expect him to be reliable in short stints but would make for a very dicey situation if Fleury was injured for an extended period.

Season Predictions:

The Pens have been slow starters the past two years and I wouldn’t be surprised to see that trend continue this season. The return of Ryan Whitney to the lineup will provide a big boost and Thanksgiving is usually when the Pens start to make their run anyway. Look for them to duel with Philadelphia for the division title with the Pens pulling in the end owing to better goaltending and star talent.

Unless the team is underachieving, don’t look for management to make a huge splash at the trade deadline again this year as GM Ray Shero spent most of his trade bait last year. Don’t be surprised if they look to add a quality face off man as this is the Penguins biggest weakness.

Bottom line: The Pens have as much or more talent as any other team in the Eastern Conference and gained valuable experience during last year’s playoff run. Anything less than another run to the Stanley Cup by the Pens would be a disappointment.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Pirates: Review of the Season Predictions

This is an email from myself to Runhigh earlier this year when he was out in Harrisburg. I basically make my Pirate predictions for the year after the first two weeks:

I wanted to mention that Ryan Doumit, Nate McLouth, and Xavier Nady are all having great seasons to start. This means:

1) 1 of the 3 will start to slump soon and become a non-factor. Then be traded in the off-season and become an all-star on another team. I think this will be Doumit since he's young and can destroy our love of baseball for another 10 years (see Aramis Ramirez).

2) 1 of the remaining 2 will be traded for 4-5 players to a contender after the All-Star break. I think this will be Nady since he has power and is a veteran. We'll send some other player from the roster with him (and the second player will promptly be placed in the minor leagues where they belong). We'll receive 2 utility players, 1 player who was a decent player before and is now a mediocre starter. The mediocre starter will then re-injure something but we'll still overpay him in the off-season. Then we'll get two more minor-leaguers who we've never heard of and neither one of them will make it out of Double A ball.

3) The last will slump next season, Be a non-factor for 2 years and then be recycled to the first role of being traded in the off-season and become an all-star on another team. I choose McLouth. Although that role is kind of Bay's. So Bay is about to be traded this season. Bay will hit 36 homeruns next year on the Wild Card Toronto Blue Jays (I only say them 'cause they're Canadian) or some other American League team. Mark my words ... It WILL happen.

When I pulled this email up I laughed my ass off. And then I got nervous. It was scary accurate on some predictions.

1) I don't think Doumit slumped at all this season. Not that I recall at least. I remember the broken finger. Does that count? It's something similar but Doumit was pretty solid while in the lineup. He does have all-star potential if he just gets his power numbers up a little. But as a solid .323 hitter with a decent 15 homeruns so far he isn't quite there yet. He's young and he's one of the players we need to lock up in long term during the off-season. I never understood why Paulino got the bid over Doumit. I hated Paulino. I thought he was too streaky of a hitter and absolutely sucked defensively. If you want a catcher that will hit occasionally and allow tons of passed balls and runners stealing as much as they want then Ronnie Paulino is your man. Doumit hopefully will stay as consistent or better on the Pirates.

2) Nady was traded because of exactly what I said. The Yankees needed a solid power hitting veteran. While we didn't include the 'should be a minor leaguer' that I thought we would. Damaso Marte left with him and we received 4 players in return. A surprisingly accurate call. The prospects are a little more promising than I thought. But when you're use to Bonifay/ Littlefield and you jump up to Huntington I guess that's what happens. And at that point in the season nobody could tell if the Pirates had another GM like in past years. But only time will tell how good those prospects are so I guess my prediction could end up accurate. Let's hope not.

3) Let's hope I'm dead wrong about this somewhat future prediction of McLouth slumping next season. Maybe he got it out of the way with this second half of the 2008 year. He did slump pretty badly, going from around a solid .333+ hitter to a .280 hitter now. Not the kind of ending you want a young kid like this to have. He's another guy we want to lock up during the off-season. We'll also need his bat to lead this team for the next few years.

As for my Bay prediction, damn I hate when I'm right like that! I loved Bay and Bay (and his wife) were noted for saying how much they loved living in the city of Pittsburgh. That easily made him a signable player. If we're lucky we'll get him back when free agency hits for him. Probably not though. I called the Blue Jays for our Canadian fellow and he didn't land there but he did land on the Wild Card Red Sox (another AL East team). So I'll jot down a prediction point for me. I'm glad to see Bay playing so well and having fun winning. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Hopefully they'll enjoy some post-season success and lose without making it to the World Series. I mean come on ... It's still the Red Sox.

Just think about it though. If Ian Snell and Tom Gorzelanny had the years they should of or even half decent years and the Pirates pitching won a few here and there, do you think we would have ever traded Bay or Nady? We could have easily been where the Astros are now ... Just a few games back of the wild card lead.
Wait till next year.

And The Home of the Brave .... Of The Brave .... of the Braaaaave

So how many people watched the Monday Night Football game? I know I did. And man was I shocked at the crap that went on. There was a hell of a lot of 'moments' during this one. It seems like everyone has a favorite be it the DeSean Jackson celebrating by dropping the ball at the one (and the fact that none of the defenders paid attention to it and picked up the football). The 27 fumbles between Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook (Brian what happened you looked like gold in the first half). Tony Romo's impression of Jay Cutler in the end zone effectively handing the Eagles Defense a touchdown. My favorite gaff, however, came before the opening kickoff when a relatively unknown artist named Kat DeLuna horribly butchered the national anthem. Thanks whore. Way to chop down some American pride. The fact that this girl thought she was doing us a favor by being there just made her image that much worse. Seriously, nobody thought you were sexy because you were trying to Diva up the National Anthem. At best you were a pathetic excuse to not try and book a real artist. I love how they introduced her though, calling her a "Pop sensation". Nobody has ever heard of her. Sensation? The national Anthem isn't about trying to impress America with your own vocal range. It's about singing the song for pride of your own country. Honestly I'd rather listen to Carl Lewis sing the Anthem again than that crap. The only time I have ever been happy about a Texas crowd was at the conclusion of her singing when the Cowboy fans booed the hell out of her. The fact that she was waving her hand around and giving the diva head bob the whole performance just added to the fact that this song was in the toilet before it was over. She took every opportunity to extend the song that she had, probably to keep the spotlight on her longer than should have been. If this girl is a "pop sensation" that must mean Paris Hilton is a musical genius after her album. In retrospect I'm going to ask for those 5 minutes back before I die.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


Last week was sort of an up and down week for me. I found out I was either dead on with my analysis or waaaaaay off. Checking in with the Sports Guy and I find out that he's immediately jumping on my sleeper pick of the Buffalo Bills. Just remember this Pittsburgh Guy called it way before the expert did. Maybe it's because I can see through the Jets and I don't have a love affair of all things Boston (exactly the opposite actually). Let's delay no further. On to the picks!
Green Bay Packers (-6) at Detroit Lions
This is me last week: *Banging head against the wall* "God I can't believe I picked the Lions! God I can't believe I picked the Lions! God I can't believe I picked the Lions!"
I think that's a normal thing for anyone who's stuck in a position between the Falcons and Lions. I get to rectify that this week. Aaron Rodgers! I said he'd have no trouble last week vs. the Vikings. You could tell there were some nerves but nothing any normal person wouldn't have experienced when taking the Green Bay reigns off of a legend. Couple that with his offensive line who committed an average of one penalty every play (just kidding it was more like two) and you have a quarterback who didn't allow his offense to blow this game.
I'm picking the Packers -6.
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City (-2.5)
My god! Did the Raiders Defense ever show up last game? Or did they just play Jamarcus and Co. on both sides of the ball? They looked awful! The Chiefs on the other had already have the greatest play of the season (See: Pollard vs. Brady's Knee). They didn't play as bad as I and the rest of the country thought. (See: 16.5 point underdogs). A Weak Raiders versus a surprising Kansas City in Kansas City?
Give me the Chiefs -2.5.
New York Giants (-9) at St. Louis Rams
Who was that high school team that played the Eagles last week? Respect to the Eagles because I had no idea they'd be that good. But honestly the Rams were equally bad. The Giants came out so strong against the Redskins last week and then their offense sort of just died. Their defense with it's losses and injuries was a lot better than expected. This line is a tough one to call with it being in St. Louis. I still think the Rams are better than they showed but they will need another week or two before they pull it together.
I've got the Giants -9.
Indianapolis Colts (-1.5) at Minnesota Vikings
I called it last week. How many people believed me? Not many. The Vikings are not that good! Can we please get off their nuts now? Of course all those people who picked them to go to the NFC Championship or Superbowl are scrambling to change that. Too late suckas! Don't get me wrong. I don't think they're a bad team. I just don't see them in the top tier of the league yet. Especially when I still see a strong Packers team and a pretty good Aaron Rodgers. That being said I'm a little nervous about the Colts. They were shaky, real shaky, against the Bears. If they can pull it together on their line they'll do better. I just can't pick them to lose two in a row in the month of September.
Colts -1.5.
Tennessee Titans (-1) at Cincinnati Bengals
Vince Young is a head case. The Bungals is a team full of head cases. I don't know. The QB is suppose to be your rock so I'm wondering if Vince's antics have trickled down a bit. They still have an incredible backup in Kerry Collins. I hate the Bengals and they looked just like the typical Cincy Bungals against the Ravens. Cincy's fans will get on them if they are losing early on against the Titans.
Titans -1.
New Orleans Saints (-3) at Washington Redskins
Reggie finally got on the highlight reel. How long did that take? I really like the Redskins. I thought the Giants were going to blow them out after the first quarter last week. The Skins hung tough and made it a game. I wasn't really impressed with the Saints last week. I'm probably the only one not gushing over them. Reggie still hasn't impressed me as an NFL back. He's improving but I want more. You can't tell me that the Saints have points at Washington.
Redskins +3.
Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers (Even)
Too Easy. The Panthers are better than I expected. Like I said last week I hate picking them until after week 8 when you know which Panthers team showed up that year. The Bears D was back in full force last week. They'll find holes and knock down Delhomme all day. The Bears offense was um .... existent. I mean I thought the Chicago offense was extinct but it was actually decent.
My pick is da' Bears.
Buffalo Bills at Jacksonville Jaguars (Even)
Buffalo is my sleeper. I really hate picking the Jags to lose two weeks in a row but I was surprised that they played that poorly last week. The Bills on the other hand crushed the Seahawks.
I'll take the Bills.
San Francisco 49er's at Seattle Seahawks (-3.5)
I laughed when I saw this game. San Fran sucks and the Sea-Chickens got crushed. Hmmm. Not much to say here. Seattle's fans win this one for them.
Seahawks -3.5.
Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)
Damn you Runhigh! Why did you have to tell me that retarded 'Don't bet on the Falcon's' Rule without giving me the 'unless they play the Lions' disclaimer? I don't know what I was thinking. I must be retarded. Well I thought the Bucs were a lot better than they showed. They might be but they've got to shake off the rust. Bucs at home against the Falcons? I'll give Runhigh's rule another shot.
Buccaneers -3.
New England Patriots at New York Jets (-1.5)
J-E-T-S JETS JETS SUCK! Please. I don't know what Kool-Aid everyone is drinking. Is it the Brett Favre Kool-Aid? That would explain John Madden. Is it the 'Spent a lot of money in free agency' Kool-Aid? That explains most of the teams that were over hyped in the last 15 years. The Pats looked lost against the Chiefs after Brady went down. They are still a good team. I think they play better this week even without Mr. Bunchen. The Jets won on two lucky heave-ho passes. What the eff? Against the Dolphins!!! What the eff again??? And everyone thinks they're awesome??? The Meadowlands aren't helping you this game.
Patriots +1.5.
Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals (-4)
Aaaand my NFC sleeper this year starts 1-0. Now they get to play the Dolphins. This just keeps getting better and better.
Cardinals -4.
San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos (Even)
I was really hoping Vegas would make this one easier and just jump the line way up for the Broncos. No such luck. Now I've actually got to think about this one. The Chargers couldn't win at home against the Panthers. Their defense is without Merriman and they allowed the Panthers to just roll down the field on them on the last drive. That spells trouble because Cutler and crew put on a clinic against the weak Raiders defense. I can't see the Chargers defense faring much better in Denver.
Broncos win.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) at Cleveland Browns
I hate you Brownies. The Steelers started off with a bang. They are now everyone's favorite to take the AFC. I hate when that happens but it's hard to blame the sports pundits. They looked good. They looked damn good. The Brownies on the other hand got their ass handed to them by Dallas last week at home. I have no reason to think they'll look any better against the black and gold.
Steelers -7.
Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-3)
The first great battle of the year is here. I really under estimated the Eagles against the Rams last week. I hate when I do that. The Cowboys on the other hand cold cocked the Brownies like I thought they would. This is a completely different team they're playing this week. I like the Eagles to keep it close. I've got to take the Cowgirls at home though.
Cowboys -3.
Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans (Even)
Is this really a Monday Night Football worthy matchup? Thank God the good one is on early. This is kind of a joke. How do you give the Texans an even line? Is it because it's in Houston? That kind of scares me. It makes me wonder what Vegas knows. The Ravens D showed it's still pretty good last week. But how much stock do you put in that when it was against the Bengals. The Texans though could barely score on the Steelers. They got two late TD's against the second or third string or whoever was still trying. I can't pick that over Baltimore.
Ravens D wins this.
Last weeks record: 9-7
Season record: 9-7

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Seven Years Later

I woke up this morning after having a great night sleep for once. I got ready for work and started my drive. Looking around I noticed what a bright sunny day it was. The scenario was familiar. Seven years ago today it was exactly the same. Seven years ago our country was changed in a way that it hadn't been changed for 60 years when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Seven years ago our country was brought together in respect for everything American.

We were reminded of the importance of the love for our servicemen, police and firefighters. We were reminded of the privilege it is to hang the Stars and Stripes. Seven years ago we were viciously attacked and brought together in the same moment. It's a day I'll never forget nor do I want to.

I was 18 and had just enlisted in the Army. I called my recruiter immediately to request an earlier training date. I didn't want to be left behind if our country went to war. I was told that they couldn't move my dates up but that might change. Eventually I went to training and then to school. Before my first semester was even completed I got my call. We were invading Iraq. The landscape of our country was indeed changing. From then on we would be a nation to attack terrorism not defend against it.

Being American is about the belief in freedom and basic human rights. It's about the pursuit of dreams. It's about waking up everyday and not living in fear or in tyranny. Seven years ago we were reminded that we can not take our freedoms for granted. We responded by growing closer as a nation and proudly hanging our flags. We showed the rest of the world that we will not sit back and accept attacks from cowards. Now we are a stronger nation for it.

We can talk about unity and peace all we want. It's on days like today when we actually display it in our actions rather than our words. Today is a day of American Pride and American Unity. I consider it an honor to be able to call myself a soldier of a country where men and women rush to a scene like ground zero to help rather than run from it.

September 11, We Will Never Forget.

“Terrorism against our nation will not stand.”- George W. Bush - Remarks at Emma Booker Elementary School. Sarasota, Florida - delivered 11 September 2001, 9:30 A.M. EDT

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ten Everyday People Who I Want to Fight

Every day we wake up and go about our daily lives. It's unfortunate but the inevitable always happens. We run into that one person who we just want to beat the crap out of. I had one of those days and decided to compile a list of the people who we see during our normal routine that just really need an ass kicking for being who they are.

They Gym Groupie
The gym groupie is so fucking great to look at. Honestly. Well .... normally. But when I go to the gym it's not to oogle chicks and try to score dates. I go to the gym to lift weights. Gym membership, for the most part, is expensive enough but then you have to battle other gym goers for the equipment that you want to use. Fair enough. But when I have to wait 20 minutes to use a bench because some chick wants to sit on it and talk to some steroid junkie I go furious. They aren't using it because they only come to the gym to talk to guys. The guy isn't using his bench because some slut is talking his ear off. Gym groupie go home! You can call up Mr. Roid User later or have him come bang you at whatever bar you're working at. Why the hell did you get a gym membership if you didn't plan on using any of the equipment for it's intended purpose?

Park Maintenance Crews
I know that most people don't have problems with these guys. But I do. And so do a lot of other mountain bikers out there. Mountain Biking trails are suppose to have tough spots. That's what makes them a challenge. That's what makes it fun and exciting. Then, because of an influx of hikers who can't be bothered to step over a log, Park Maintenance Crews come and chop out all of the brush and fallen trees. They basically remove anything from the trails that make mountain biking, well, mountain biking. When you don't have any technical parts on a trail you just get trail riding and thus reduce it to a step away from road cycling. So a special thanks goes to the North Park Crews who ruined every trail they had. I'll just by a pussy bike and pretend I'm a two testicled Lance Freakin' Armstrong.

Creatine Abusers
These guys are the worst. They go to the gym. They usually lack the energy to do a decent workout. They can't lift as much as they should for their size. Then they go home and down a gallon of creatine to make themselves look bigger. Listen douchebags, when you over use on the creatine and don't lift properly you only make yourselves look like an idiot. You're bloated. You're not really big. You just are retaining water. These guys can easily be identified because they have no definition in their size. They usually walk around like they're the baddest mofo's in the gym and are sometimes accompanied by a gym groupie.

The Bouncer at Jimmy D's
This picture is actually of the bouncer at Young's Tavern who is my boy for kicking Sienna Miller's conceited ass out of the bar. The Bouncer down at Jimmy D's is just a badass wannabe. See creatine abuser. He constantly needs reminded by me how to read a military ID. Seriously dude?!? I've freakin handed it to you 50 times and you still can't figure it out? He once told my buddy he was too intoxicated to come in. My friend has a natural stutter and that's what he based it off of. He was perfectly functional for 10 P.M. He also rejected my other friend, Big Country, because he was wearing tennis shoes. I can't defend Big Country's choice of shoes because I repeatedly tell him to dress nicer but I can defend him on this situation. The bouncer himself was wearing Chuck Taylors with shorts. If you're going to rip my boy for tennis shoes at least make sure you have some style yourself asshole.

These are the pussies that completely changed my supermarkets around. Before I could walk right into a Giant Eagle and walk right over to the Deli. Now I have to travel through the produce/health food/ vegetarian section. What the Eff?!?!? Because some loser decided for the rest of their life they were only going to eat freakin' leaves, now I have to suffer? What kind of bullshit is that? On top of that they constantly tell me that the slaughter of innocent animals, so I can eat, is wrong. I don't want to hear about what an amazingly earth conscience life style plant eater you are! Give me a damn cow to slaughter! Which brings me to my next one ...

People of PETA
I know the earth is fantastic. Love it. Love to hunt in it, camp in it, climb in it, bike in it and I love it's animals. But killing an animal to eat isn't wrong. Making a kick ass leather coat out of my meal isn't wrong either. Hell, if I decide to put that animal's head on my wall then give me some bonus points! But don't try telling me that these animals have rights. People have rights. Animals don't. I understand that we can't go around fighting them and then electrocuting them for losing. I don't condone the abuse and mistreatment. But I'm not about to let them vote for President of the United States. PETA though is a bunch of phonies. They claim to want to protect animals but in fact they do more harm than good. They care more about animal suffering and none about human suffering. If they put half the effort into Saving Darfur that they did in saving animals that conflict might already be over. The actually spend less than 1% of their total budget on care of animals. These guys really need an ass beating.

Fat 'Handicapped' People

Who the hell that is awarding these idiots handicapped tags? That person needs shot too! Listen, handicapped fatty, you aren't disabled. That dude in the wheelchair over there is. You are just a glutton who decided to be lazy and not get your fat ass off of the sofa. Instead of parking you in the front of a store they should require you park a half mile away so that you work that gut off. Somebody should hold a freakin' Twinkie over your head until you learn to jump high enough to reach it.

People who designed Target's Parking Lot

What genius designed this thing? Obviously he's a competitor in the Special Olympics. Where else would you see that many damn handicapped parking spots? It's ridiculous! They have one almost full row in front of the main entrance and then more spots in the half rows next to it. If every handicapped person in Pittsburgh showed up at Target on the same day at the same time there would still be spaces open. I guess those extra ones are for the fat asses.

Drivers Who Match Speed on a Two-Lane Highway
This is probably the one that infuriates me the most. These guys usually have ten cars of traffic behind them and half a mile of empty road in front of them. Yet they'll still go on for miles driving next to each other like a bunch of queers buddying up on the road. All you need is to go an extra 5 miles an hour and let the real drivers get by your slow ass. But these dickheads are content to drive at a glacial pace, especially when you're in a hurry to be somewhere (like me going to work in the morning). At the next traffic light please get out and beat these driver' ass!

Check Writer at the Express Lane
If it wasn't usually a woman I'd already have my badge for giving this person a grade A beat down. It's called the Express Lane for a reason dip shit! It's suppose to be quick. But there you go, pulling out your freakin' checkbook and pissing the rest of us off. If you are this person please do everyone the favor of at least having most of the check filled in before you reach the cashier. Then you could just jot down the total and be out of there. But no, in this techno age of check cards, you've got to pull out your stone and chisel.

"Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met."