Friday, August 29, 2008

Top Ten Pittsburgh Jag-Offs

In honor of the ongoing Pedro Alvarez/Scott Boras and Pittsburgh Pirates fiasco, we here at On Irish Road decided to rank the Top Ten Pittsburgh Jag-Offs. A special thanks to Runhigh for contributing to this list. Here Goes!

10 Sienna Miller
So you may be saying either 1) Who? 2)Huh? or 3) Why? But the answer is a pretty obvious one. Back in 2006 she tells Rolling Stone just what she thinks of the Steel City and she held no punches:
"Shitsburgh, Can you believe this is my life? Will you pity me when you're back in your funky New York apartment and I'm still in Pittsburgh? I need to get more glamorous films and stop with my indie year."

Well Sienna, we're no fans of yours either. In another Pittsburgh incident she decided to go out for a night on the town with her parents. Unfortunately Miss Miller decided it was a brilliant idea to leave her ID in the hotel. After the bouncer told her no at Young's Tavern she snuck in anyways. The bouncer removed her and the actress threw a hissy fit for 30 minutes.
I know you can drink your merry ass off in England, Sienna, but if you want to do it here bring your ID. Now I know why Jude Law screwed the nanny. As Runhigh says, "You insult Pittsburgh and you'll incur the wrath of Irish Road and Runhigh." I think Pittsburghers will agree.

9 Pedro Alvarez and sidekick Scott Boras
So I know this is still fresh and we all may end up loving Pedro but after holding out until midnight of the signing deadline, and then refusing to show up to Pittsburgh for a physical, and finally backing out of the deal that you verbally agreed to, you and you're 'Super-Duper' agent have made our list at number 9. Pedro and Scott pretty much think that this is the second coming of A-Rod, even pushing for that $10 million dollar signing bonus. And while the Pirates were generous and offered their first round draft pick a team high $6 million signing bonus it apparently isn't good enough for him. After agreeing to the bonus Boras most has convinced Pedro that they can backhand the Buccos to increase the offer to shrug off this incident. The Pirates and their ace Frank Coonelly aren't budging. But Boras' motto 'Why settle for $6 million when a loophole could award your client free agency and even bigger bucks?' They are now claiming that the deal was not agreed to before the midnight deadline. Whether or not this is true they are now inked into Jag-Off history.

8 Bob Smizik
Bob Smizik a few weeks ago caused quite a stir by calling the fans "knuckleheads" for booing such returning stars like Jagr and Bonds. He also says that these same "knuckleheads" will boo Hossa when he returns too. What is it Bob? We don't have the right to boo anymore? You'd probably frown if we booed Osama Bin Laden. Our right as fans is to boo our disapproval and any player that slights our teams or our city will in fact face hostility when they return. Hell, I'd boo my own mother for doing what Hossa did. An extra $400,000 for one year? Big freakin' deal! We offered you 5 years! 'Knuckleheads' may boo but it's idiots like you who write negatively about a common fan practice.

7 Marian Hossa
I think what I wrote before is worth repeating. Marian Hossa turned down a 7 year $50 million dollar offer from the Pens for a 1-year $7.4 million dollar offer from the Red Wings. According to the Pittsburgh Tribune Review back in June Hossa claimed that he would take less money to stay on a cup contender. "If I wanted to make a couple more dollars, I would probably just re-sign with Atlanta," said Hossa. Apparently the Pens aren't a Cup contender if you want to turn down an offer that gives you a high paying 7-years worth of security. RunHigh puts it this way, "He's a mercenary. Was offered a chance to play with the two best centers in the game and turned it down. Can't wait to see Brooks Orpik bury him in the corner boards along with the rest of his teammates next year. I just got inspired to watch this for 10 minutes straight."
You've got to admit that's a great point. He turned down playing for the Cup with Malkin and Crosby for the next seven years for what? An extra $300,000-$400,000? Hey Hossa ... enjoy buddy. If you get injured next year and Detroit decides not to resign you where will you be? Not on our pond! You are Jag-Off #7. Wear it proudly!
6 Derek Bell
I gotta tell you, I was having a hell of a time finding a good baseball shot of Derek Bell that really captured the essence of all that was Operation Shutdown. This was the next best thing. I guess Operation Shutdown affected press photos too.
Following the 2000 season Bell was signed by the Pirates to a two year contract. After hitting only .173 in 2001 he was told he would be competing for the starting position. That's when his infamous Operation Shutdown was born.
"Nobody told me I was in competition. If there is competition, somebody better let me know. If there is competition, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit in spring training and I never will. If it ain't settled with me out there, then they can trade me. I ain't going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [a competition], then I'm going into 'Operation Shutdown.' Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't competed for a job since 1991."
I actually applaud the Bucs for not playing him. Operation Shutdown finally ended May 18th, 2007 when Bell began playing for Oil Can's All-Stars, a team that travels around and plays minor league squads. I'm glad to see your hold out was successful, Jag-Off! It was his incident in 2006 though, where he was pulled over for a traffic stop and charged with felony cocaine possession and possession of drug paraphernalia that earned him number 6 on our list.
5 Mark Madden
Mark Madden is one of those broadcasters that could be known as 'The Mouth That Keeps on Spewing'. That could be because of his frequent on air foul language or the fact that he repeatedly loves to play up his own intelligence while telling his callers and listeners alike how dumb they are. Madden is a master at stirring up controversy and knocking all things that are Pittsburgh Sports related. He has been known to attack popular sports stars like Hines Ward, Jerome Bettis, Arnold Palmer and others. Cristina Rouvalis has one of the best takes on Madden and his Mouth here,
Runhigh says, "George Washington had better teeth than him." So for the man with a bad mouth and bad teeth we award Jag-Off #5.
4 Jim Balsillie
When the city first heard this guy's name and that he was going to purchase the then bankrupt Pens we rejoiced. And then we found out what a slimy snake he was.
"Tried to hi-jack a Pittsburgh team and move it out of the country. Since it wasn't the Pirates or the Passion, he belongs on the list of Jag-Offs" Runhigh said.
After his purchase he stated that only the Isle of Capri casino deal would ensure that the Pens would stay in Pittsburgh. The media wanted to know if his intentions were to move the team to Canada and he repeatedly dodged the question. Gary Bettman, of all people, came in with a save for Pittsburgh by notifying Jim Balsillie that his control over the team would be restricted by the league. Afterwards Balsillie immediately withdrew his bid to purchase the Penguins. Trying to make our boys into a Canadian team earns him the #4 spot on our list.
3 Bob Nutting
What the hell do you say about this guy? If you've been living under a rock these past years, Bob Nutting is the majority owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Nutting family and McClatchy entered into ownership in 1996. He became the majority owner in 2007 after gaining control from Kevin McClatchy. During his ownership he has allowed such failures like Cam Bonifay to remain in the General Managers position for 9 years (1993-2001) and then brought in Dave Littlefield for 6 years (2001-2007). He has done nothing with the extra revenue baseball has given the organization from revenue sharing and television deals, repeatedly remaining at one of the lowest payrolls in baseball. The Pirates look to be well on their way to a record tying 16th straight losing season. Bob Nutting is a loser and because of that our franchise has not won a damn thing in his ownership. Our other Jag-Off, Smizik wrote this, "There appears to be great truth to the fact ownership is taking excessive profit from the team at the expense of the product on the field. The money the Pirates receive from MLB in revenue sharing and the Central Fund is almost enough to cover the payroll before a ticket is sold.
The team won't be sold. The Nuttings are bottom-line oriented. A smart businessman does not walk away from profit that is virtually guaranteed."
Bob Nutting you are Pittsburgh's #3 Jag-Off.
2 Barry Bonds
There will be some who will love me for having him on here, some will hate me for having him on here and some will wonder why he isn't number 1, but Barry Bonds is our #2 Pittsburgh Jag-Off. Barry's free agency departure in 1993 kick started the abomination that has been the Pittsburgh Pirates over the last 16 years. 15 soon to be 16 straight losers since he left and the fans have no clear end in sight. It's like the Brooklyn Dodger fans after they'd lose the World Series "Wait till next year". Only our next year is a winning season and there is less hope of that than the Brooklyn fans had of winning that next Championship. You can't blame Barry for wanting to live in San Fran where his dad and godfather played. You can't really blame him for wanting more money. You can blame him for the jerk he was, the way he treated the media, and the way he bad mouthed the city. You don't talk trash on Steeltown without a backlash. We don't care if you are the Homerun King*. He trash talked the organization repeatedly when they wouldn't pay him more during the 1991 season, telling the media that he would resign with the Pirates when he became a free agent even if they offered him $100 million. Bonds at times didn't seem to have the same focus or heart on the field. Other times he played like the MVP that he was. His last year in Pittsburgh was summed up on the final play of the season when he failed to throw out a bum-knee Sid Bream who was running from second base on a single hit into left field. Barry Bonds, to Pittsburghers, is that throw to home.

1 Jaromir Jagr

To earn the number 1 spot on our list Jagr had to have an applicable name as well as being a first rate jackass. Dubbed as Mario Jr. (due to his first name being an anagram for it) Jagr exploded onto the scene with the skill it took to take over when Super Mario called it quits. Sadly Jagr didn't have the same publicity skills that his mentor did. In his last struggling years with the team he did everything he could to hold a control over the organization. He disputed with coach Ivan Hlinka on and off the ice. He got into spats with GM Craig Patrick. He requested a trade and even told the media that he felt like he was "Dying Alive" in Pittsburgh. The man sucked the life out of the organization and angered the fan base with his sub-standard play (he won the Art Ross 3 previous seasons). Not even the return of Mario Lemieux could bring Jagr back to form. He was bitter that while he was the captain, many viewed Lemieux that way upon his return. Finally July 11, 2001 they traded him (along with Frantisek Kucera) to the Washington Capitols for Kris Beech, Michael Sivek, and Ross Lupaschuck. The clubhouse cancer who was suppose to be our leader was gone and the Pens had some breathing room in the Salary Cap.

Honorable Mentions:

-Of Course you have to give the two inept Pirate GM's their due. So here's to you Cam Bonifay and Dave Littlefield. But since ownership kept you in your jobs you didn't make our top ten.

-To this day I believe that Neil O'Donnell threw Super Bowl XXX. But thanks to Big Ben and Co. winning Superbowl XL Neil is off the hook.

-Raul Mondesi was a good candidate but we decided whatever he's done to the city we've received back ten fold through our friend at Mondesi's House.

-Finally, after filming Striking distance, Bruce Willis had a few choice words about the cleanliness of our city and rivers. But come on! How could we put John McLane on a Jag-Off list?!? Yippee Kiyay Mother Fuckers!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Irish Road Trip: Links for the day

-LPGA does what the United States Government has failed to do.

-NBC Sports ranks the best Coaches. No surprise, the Belechick-Media love affair continues. Apparently having the most talented team ever has nothing to do with winning.

-P. Diddy leads a hard life. Spending $150,000 for a flight is within his budget but $200,000 to $250,000 is just crazy! He's suffering just like us!

-Guns N' Roses thinks leaking a song from their new album will lead to a significant financial loss. Right. Like none of the millions of fans who've been waiting for the last ten years will hold off on buying your album.

-With Hurricane Gustav approaching, New Orleans City officials are prepping for evacuation and lockdown. Think the residents will actually listen if told to leave this time?...... What? Too Soon?

-The Angry T previews the ACC football season. I must say it's pretty hilarious.

-Pedro Alvarez is officially Pittsburgh's newest Jag-off.

-PPG ranks the new college hot spots around the Steel City

-Ed Bouchette of PPG shines some light on one of my favorite Steelers of the past decade.

-Nittany Lion Nation finds out who’s going to be Buckeye linebacker fodder this year.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Worthless College Degrees

If you want to specialize in collecting welfare checks for the next 40 years, get one of these degrees in college:

1. Philosophy - What? You seriously think knowing what Plato, Socrates or Desarcrates said hundreds or even thousands of years ago are going to get you a job today? Take some advice. Save yourself tens of thousands of dollars and just go straight to working for McDonald's. At the end of four years you may actually be shift manager.

2. English Lit - There are no jobs for reading Beowulf or Shakespeare dumbass. Harper Lee thinks you should find a career that won't involve you shaking a McDonald's cup for change before Steeler games. GET TO IT!!!

3. Liberal Arts - OK, what the hell is this? You go to college and take a bunch of art and philosophy classes and they give you a degree? Seriously, art and philosophy could enhance your degree not be it. Have fun serving me my daily latte at Starbucks.

4. Music - Ok, you can do very well being a musician, but do you think Steven Tyler, Britney Spears or Tommy Lee ever actually attended any college? Ummm, no. If you have musical talent go use it and save your money for rent when you go broke like most musicians.

5. Management - Wow, I don't know how to do anything but boss people around! Management is nothing more than glorified babysitting. You set arbitrary deadlines and tell me when I came in late. Congrats!!! You rock!!!

6. Any university from the South - Ok, not everyone can attend a real school, but really, what Southern schools are famous for their academics? Besides Duke, uhh none. The Northeast alone has Harvard, Yale, Columbia, UPenn, Princeton and a ton other schools that my drunk ass doesn't feel like looking up at this point. Do yourself a favor and attend a school up North, then move South. You'll look so much smarter than the locals. You may even be named Mayor.

7. Miami (FL) - They gave Slyvester Stallone a degree. Enough said. Yo! Adrienne!! I did it!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Celebrity Square Off: Top Ten Celebs I'd Like to See Fight

Today Runhigh sends me a link from MSN. Apparently Michael Lohan (Lindsay's Daddy) wants to fight K-fed. Unfortunately it doesn't really give the details on how the fight would go down. It just says that he would do it for charity since they are both celebrity dads. First things first, Michael, you are not a celebrity and K-fed is a D-lister at best. Second, can we make sure this isn't some pussy boxing match? I don't think anybody wants to see a cat fight go down between two 'never-was'. If you two are going to fight let's do it MMA style in a cage. Runhigh wants to make sure that it doesn't end until somebody is dead but I don't care as long as somebody is bleeding and knocked the fuck out.

All of this got me thinking about what other Celebrities I'd like to see square off in the Octagon and duke it out till someone was KO'd. So here are my Top Ten Celebrity MMA fights!

10. Paris Hilton vs. Victoria Beckham
They're both Super-Skinny, Platinum blonde bitches that seriously need a 14 oz. steak. They're both hot as hell but I don't think I could bring myself to touch either one (they just seem tainted). Plus each one of them lives on their own planet or at least it seems that way by how stuck up they are. This would just be pure entertainment, watching them swing Marc Jacob bags and attempt to stab each other with 6 inch stilettos. I give the edge to Paris. She's American and she's use to be slammed around *wink wink*.

9. Spencer Pratt vs. Dane Cook
Who at one point or another hasn't wanted to see one of these guys get their ass kicked? Spencer keeps thinking he's the biggest star to grace TV and Dane Cook's jokes just find a way to get older than Larry King. If you're picking by facial hair Dane Cook at least has a manlier look. Pratt just looks like that fucking dweeb from junior high who thinks he looks more mature because he hasn't shaved in 3 months. And while Cook is a Boston fan, which usually gets my vote for a beating, I'll take him over Pratt since he appears to have more size, reach and is slightly less of a douche bag.

8. Vince Vaughn vs. Tom Cruise
Honestly when I was first thinking of this one I was trying to pick out someone who would just beat the living piss out of Tom Cruise. Cruise is like 5'2 or something, 123 lbs ....... I don't know ... just whatever Katie Holmes is minus 2 inches and add on 10 lbs. That's what Tom Cruise is. Vince Vaughn on the other hand is like 6'6 and at least 220-230 lbs. The guy's an animal. But after thinking about all of the action roles that Tom-Tom has done and that he's probably pretty quick for a little guy I decided the fight would be pretty interesting. Add in the crazy factor for being a Scientologist and you've got yourself a match! I still gotta give it to the big man Vince though, just because of his mugshot.

7. Jennifer Lopez vs. Kim Kardashian
This one was a difficult call. Call it the clash of the booty's. It's a titanic battle of behinds. J-Lo's got the better career. She's done Music and Movies. Kim's famous for appearing naked and letting some dude film himself banging her. I've gotta give a more conditioned body to Lopez and street cred for being "Jenny from the Block" .... that and Diddy did her. J-Lo wins by a booty.

6. Reggie Bush vs. Ray J
Come on! Make the prize Kim Kardashian and these two would be animals in the cage! They both keep in shape and can probably throw down in the streets if it came down to it. They both love living the high life and slammin that Kim chick proves it. When it comes down to it though I could see Ray J saying something cocky about having the video with Kim and Reggie would go ballistic. Advantage Reggie.

5. Madonna vs. Cynthia Rodriguez
Queen of Pop vs. F-Rod. The former Mrs. Rodriguez and the Mistress of Mr. Rodriguez. One battles the stresses of being a global icon and the other takes on the NY media on a daily basis. While Cynthia looks are far above her competitor she doesn't have the same star power. And even though she looks like she could kick some ass I still have to give credit to a 50 year old woman who has been a whore .... er, um ... diva for over 20 years. Youth is served. Advantage Madonna.

4. Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sarah Silverman
If we were having them rock it with a mic I'd give it to Kimmel since he's a funnier comedian and a pretty good late night host. As far as putting them in a ring I don't see him being the most fit man in Hollywood. He's kind of pudgy and doesn't really strike me as having great conditioning. Silverman on the other hand could probably down a couple steaks and not gain a pound. Plus she'd belch and kick your ass if you told her it wasn't ladylike. She get's the feisty edge. Silverman pounds Kimmel.

3. Kid Rock vs. Tommy Lee vs. Brett Michaels
Have you ever thought of a three way MMA match that you'd love to see more than this? All three have banged Miss Pam Anderson the former hottest woman in Show Biz. All three are rock stars that at one point or another had drug addictions. I can't remember if Kid Rock put out a video too but I do know that Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels have both done the dirty on camera with the aforementioned Miss Anderson. So in an obvious move you would have to give the winner of the match their Baywatch prize. We've seen Tommy and Kid Rock brawl before at the VMA's. Michaels on the other hand seems more like a lover than a fighter. As much as I love him for being from Pittsburgh I call him on that and rule him out as the winner. Much love for Kid Rock but I think Tommy already beat him down at their fight in the VMA's. I'd give it to Tommy Lee by way of his massive manhood.

2. Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell
This one has epic battle written all over it. The Rug wearer vs. the Rug muncher. The man who could crush you with his wallet vs. the man .... um ... woman who could crush you by sitting on you. Donald can add WWE to his fighting resume but when it comes down to it how do you bet against a crazy, loud mouthed, man-eating dyke? As assertive and loud mouthed as the Don can be I've gotta give the edge to psycho-bitch in an enclosed area. Advantage Rosie.

1. Carrie Underwood vs. Jessica Simpson
It's the thing that makes wet dreams in high school. Two of the hottest blondes fighting over you. And we can make it happen for ourselves. Oh ... and Tony Romo. Think about it. They're both devastatingly sexy. Both blonde pop stars. Both southern beauties with a thing for star quarterbacks ... and Tony Romo. Carrie brings her sassiness and wit. Jessica brings her massive ... um ... hair. But when it comes down to it how can you choose a vegetarian over a regular gal who will eat buffalo wings with you (even if she doesn't know they're not made with real buffalo)? I think Jessica's dimwits work for her. If she gets popped in the head a few times its unlikely that you'll knock any brain cells into submission. Plus you gotta give a girl props if she has enough power to hold the Dallas Cowboys from winning in the playoffs. That alone is enough for the Steeler fan in me. Advantage Jessica.
Have I missed anything? What matches would you like to see?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Words to Live By

Instead of introducing myself in my first post I'd rather you just learn to hate me from reading my crap. All I'll tell you is that I'm closely associated with the other two bloggers and you'll Love me or hate my guts. I really could care less which it is as long as you read and get a reaction to what I write. After years of the good, bad and the ugly of life I've developed some words to live by. I'll start you off with those. Some are my personal quotes and others are quotes that I've adopted.


1. All women are obtainable; They just don’t know it yet.

2. Wearing green does Not make you an Irishman, dumbass.

3. Fortune favors the Bold!

4. Don’t be afraid to live your life because of the fear of what might happen.

5. The best one liners come when you should keep your mouth shut.

6. I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

7. It’s pathetic to start cheering wildly for a team that only hits singles.

8. If I played by the rules, I wouldn't have any fun!

9. Never give change to a panhandler wearing a leather trench coat.

10. When I die I don’t want to pull in safe and sound. I’d rather come screeching in damaged and on fire saying ‘Damn what a ride!’

11. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

12. Earn Peace through superior fire power!

13. Some guys are afraid of their own shadow. That's why they like being around people who will cast one over their’s.

14. If you try 100 times and fail 99 that doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you got laid once!

15. I don’t fear Death. When I reach that point in life I doubt I’ll care.

16. You never really know how much a girl cares about you until you start screwing someone else.

17. There are no big boned people, only fat losers in denial

18. You know the sex was fucking great when you’re jerking off while thinking about it later.

19. Dumb bitches suck. But if you’re forced to put up with them they’d better be worth picturing naked.

20. The internet is like a Penthouse. Occasionally between the porn there’s an article worth reading.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Chris Sheridan to World: I hate USA Basketball

Hmmm .... these two look awfully similar

It's been going on for two weeks now and I haven't seen any hatred yet. I guess I have to start it. Chris Sheridan, writer for ESPN, hates USA basketball. Or at least he hates USA's Men's team. Why hasn't there been any backlash against this guy yet aside from the posts after his 'Team USA may lose' articles? It astounds me. The guy's an idiot. He's been basically, without actually saying it, rooting for team USA to lose. His preview of almost every game has been "There is a good chance Team USA will lose tonight." Why? So he can jump in if they do lose and say 'Look! See! I predicted that!' Then he can pat himself on the back and tell himself that he's a genius and ask the sports world to bow down to his awesome foretelling prowess. If Team USA doesn't lose then he's still right. 'I said they MIGHT lose. I didn't say they would.' Going out on a limb like that is dangerous Chris. You gotta watch yourself when you do that. I remember a Monday Night Football game a few years ago when John Madden made a famous prediction before the game stating "The team that scores the most times tonight will win." Really? Is that how it works now? Chris, basically I'm saying that you're predictions are the equivalent. If you like Team USA then predict they'll win by 25 every game like I have. If you don't then put your balls out there and tell us which team is going to beat them on a buzzer beater. Lets' look at the games.

Team USA's players obviously weren't playing 100%, probably because they wanted to rest up before the Olympics started. Bogut wasn't in uniform for the Aussies because of an ankle injury. Team USA shoots awful and plays sloppy overall but still wins by double digits. Chris Sheridan shows his love by saying team USA had "porous defense" and an "inability to contend with speed". Really? The most athletic players can't contend with speed? Are you smoking crack? These guys can play with anybody! Even the first line of his article is pathetic. "If that had been Spain, the U.S. would have lost by 20." I know you love hating on them Chris. But if a team plays as awful as you said they did and they still win by 11 points you have to give them credit. Especially with a roster of guys who show up to play in big games.

Basically Sheridan makes his call on who he thinks will start and speculates on who would take the buzzer beating shot in a close game. He says their best opponents are a step ahead of them in FIBA play. He says that their games against Greece and Spain in pool play are toss-ups. He predicts that the USA squad and Spain will meet in the gold medal match (which is looking surprisingly accurate) and that the Spaniards will miss a last second shot that would have beaten the Americans. USA wins by 1 point. "And Team USA wins the gold medal. Barely." Thankfully it won't be Chris. Redeem team rules: USA by 40. 111-71.

USA vs. China:

Well I don't remember him writing an article previewing this match but I'm pretty sure he would have said 'This is going to be a real test for team USA. They could lose.'

It went off pretty much as expected though. USA 101-70.

USA vs. Angola

There really wasn't any preview of this game either. I guess it was just assumed by everyone that we'd stomp Angola. They beat them 97-76 which Angola considered they're best game ever. It wasn't the stomping that it should have been but after we went up by 30 early the squad put it on cruise control and just coasted to victory. I'll bet Chris Sheridan would have wrote 'This is going to be a real test for team USA. They could lose.'

You'll love this. Chris starts off by calling Greece "a smashmouth team that pounded and prodded Dirk Nowitski and Chris Kaman into submission". He also goes on to say "And if the Americans don't do their homework, if they only pay lip service to the notion of respect, it's not inconceivable that they'll lose." Do you have any love for team USA Chris? Where did this hatred come from? Did Coach K nail your mom? Did you get dunked on by one of these players in a high school game? What gives man? USA crushes 92-69.

This was Chris Sheridan's 'Preview for the Gold medal game'. I still don't know what he's thinking with his 'Last second shot' prediction. I still hold onto my win by 40 prediction even though they aren't showing much against Argentina through the first half (I realize Argentina is flopping around like they just had their Achilles tendon severed). Especially after viewing this game. I realize Spain could be angry and come out with a vengeance in the gold medal game but seriously, who are we kidding? Chris points out all the things he loves about Spain. He beats it into the reader's head that they won the gold in the World Championships two years ago. Thanks Chris. I'm sure there isn't a basketball fan who hasn't forgotten that the U.S. took bronze in Japan. That is part of the reason why they're nicknamed the Redeem Team. But Sheridan can't quite hide his man-love of team Spain, "Saturday's game will be a better test of its skills against the reigning world champion -- a team with so much passion, so much togetherness, that tears fell from their eyes two years ago. " Thanks Chris. Do your best not to get all bro-mantic on us. USA 119-82.

USA vs. Germany

Not really any preview worth mentioning. Sorry Dirk Dirk Allah. Sorry Kamanator.

USA 106-57. Ouch!

As I write this USA has just owned Argentina in the Semifinals. I'm stoked. Chris Sheridan took his USA bashing to a whole new level in his preview of the quarterfinals. I'll let him tell you though:

"Well, part of me wants to join with the masses and say, "Yes, there's no way the Americans do not win the gold."
But the other half is the smarter half, and it insists that I have to say "No."
And you know what, the other half is correct.
Do I think Team USA is going to lose? No.
Do I think it's possible it could lose? Hell, yes.
Am I the only one? Hell, no. "

My take: Is team USA capable of losing? Any team is but for USA to lose it's going to take the Apocalypse. Will team USA lose? HELL NO!! Take that Sheridan! It's so obvious that Sheridan WANTS team USA to lose. I wish he would just say it. Come on Chris! Out yourself! Right now I hear R. Kelly singing 'Chris Sheridan is in the closet!' Sheridan just couldn't get over the fact that Bogut was back for the Australians. Bogut. B O G U T ..... it sounds so dumb to say! Bogut. You've got to be kidding me? That was your savior in the quarterfinals? Bogut. Anyways, Sheridan goes on to tell us a little more at how bad team USA has been in recent competition:

"So many things that would have been unthinkable then have all taken place in the intervening years.
Nobody predicted that Puerto Rico would defeat the Americans by 19 in Athens.
Nobody predicted that the U.S. would lose three times in Indianapolis in 2002.
Few believed it possible that the Americans would lose to anyone two years ago in Japan, but then they went up against a team with nothing to lose in the medal round and Greece beat them.
So don't count out Australia.
And don't think this thing is over, because it isn't."

Somebody slap the sense back into this guy. USA 116-85.

Watching this today was a little sweet. A little scary. But then it was sweet all over again. Sorry Chris. USA is still in it. I know you're angry but this gives you another chance to write the same article about how 'Team USA could lose' for the seventh time this month. Just think of it as job security. Anyways onto his take of it. His first line in the preview is gold. "Only one team in the world has defeated the United States twice since NBA players started representing America." Obviously team USA is Argentina's bitch! It's so obvious! Thanks Chris! Now we can just bow down to the supreme and masterful Argentinian powerhouse. Man, we can now avoid another beatdown by forfeiting and waiting for the Bronze medal match. Whew!

I called a 25 point victory before the game. I was a little off. The Argentinians did put up a good fight in the first half. But then the Great Motivator Coach K (I'm too afraid to spell his name without looking it up) fired up the squad for the second half and it was over. Chris thinks that both of Argentina's loss' in 2007 were due to the fact that Nocioni and Ginobili sat out. Could be. But it was always my impression that our basketball is superior to FIBA. My mistake. USA obviously didn't get that message either. USA 101-81

USA vs. Spain

Medal Round Finals

While Chris hasn't written his preview about this one yet I'll sum it up for you. He'll stick with his initial prediction of USA barely winning by a thread as Spain misses a last second jumper. USA by 1 point to take the gold medals. But you'll hear him praise Spain and basically tell you how much USA could lose this game. Watch out! Spain almost had us last time! Or wait? Was that a 37 point stomping? I keep confusing them and Angola. My bad. I'll stick with my prediction. USA wins the Gold medals by 40 points, 111-71.

Sheridan .... I'm sure after the love fest you've shown the Europeans and Argentina that you'll have a job opening in FIBA soon. I think you should take it.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Types of Bosses You May Encounter:

Suffocater: Walks into your office when bored and yaps incessantly about who knows what while you are busy thinking about the lunch special at the cafeteria or worse yet, actually trying to accomplish something besides looking busy. Best idea is to get earplugs to take the edge off his voice. Otherwise you’ll have a headache.

Time Machine: Imposes such strict deadlines on projects that it would require the use of a flux capacitor in a Delorean to meet his unrealistic goal.

Minute Counter: Checks the clock when you arrive in the morning, closely monitors lunch and breaks, as well as the time when you leave at night. A variance of two minutes from your regularly scheduled time is considered a hell-worthy offense. The kicker is that your boss comes and goes as he or she pleases. Best idea is to just be sure to show up on time everyday regardless of traffic, accidents, construction, emergencies, snow, car trouble or any other excuse a reasonable person would accept.

Credit Taker: Steals your ideas (that is when he is actually listening to you) and takes credit for him to people up the chain of command to make him look better. Make it a habit to put your ideas in an email to him so you have proof of his larceny.

90/10: Talks for 90% of the time while only letting you talk for 10%. Even if he is the one asking questions. Usually will only stop talking when he needs to catch his breath because he is overweight and out of shape. Buy him food and let him park closer to the building so he gets out of shape faster allowing you more time to talk.

Delegator: Plays games or shops on the computer, or talks on the phone with friends while giving you all the work to do. If the work makes you stay late, unplug his keyboard at night from the back of the computer and watch him on the phone with tech support the next day for 45 minutes trying to fix the problem. Enjoy!

Blocker: Impedes you from getting the necessary skills for advancement to get promoted while claiming he wants you to get there. The only escape is to find another job.

Office General: Has a rift with an employee in another section and attempts to manipulate his employees to be an ally and foot soldier is his battle.

My last boss: All of the above.

On The Way Out: Only has a short time left before retirement and really could care less what he or his employees do.

Perfect Boss: Dies on a Thursday afternoon, automatically giving you a three day weekend.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bob Smizik Eats Pieces Of Shit for Breakfast

Bob Smizik is at it again. I never knew a guy who wanted to dethrone Mark Madden as Pittsburgh's most hated Sports Head but Smizik is trying. A couple of weeks ago he started some good ol' fashion Pittsburgh controversy by calling us the fans a bunch of 'knuckleheads'. Today Mondesi's House linked us to his latest article where he goes in uncharted territory by ripping Pirates management and ownership (wow! Really doing the unthinkable!). Here is an excerpt:

There is so much enthusiasm about the Pirates having some decent young players that the fact they gave up their best veteran talent to get them is ignored. Also ignored is the fact the Pirates are a lesser team for it. Nor is there a guarantee that any of these newly acquired young players, including Alvarez, are going to be a highly productive hitter or even successful major league hitters.

Now I'm no expert but with all three of those Veterans contracts expiring in the next two years and with all having high price tags I'm pretty sure the best our organization would have done is re-sign, maybe, one player. What we did is sell high, get 8 players with good potential for 3, and restock the sad minor leagues system we have. I'd say that's great! If one player turns into a star than we pretty much break even seeing as we only would have kept one. If two turns into decent players than it's about the same. Say we get two all-stars out of the 8. It's my opinion that we come out ahead. We already have put 3 of those players into starting roles and all three excite me. LaRoche can only be a good thing for his brother. Is it possible that they get into a little brotherly competition and smack the hell out of the baseball? Yes! But I guess that's not good enough for Smizik. What about Karstens who's shown flashes of brilliance when he almost threw perfection against the Diamondbacks? Nah .... that's probably overrated by Smizik's standards too. I guess anything short of signing the entire Red Sox roster is unacceptable in his eyes. While they're at it maybe they can just bus in Red Sox Nation to cheer for them too. After all we are just a bunch of 'Knuckleheads'.

Amanda Beard Wins Platinum Medals

The NY Daily News has reported that Amanda Beard thinks Michael Phelps is nasty:

Any gal in the world would be happy to make a date with Michael Phelps these days - any gal except fellow swimmer Amanda Beard that is.
Beard has no love for her fellow Olympian and record-holding winner of eight medals, telling the radio show "Johnjay and Rich in the Morning" that she would never date Phelps because she has "really good taste."
Beard, 26, even responded with a vehement, "Ew. That's nasty," when asked if she has ever held his hand.
Rumors surfaced that the two were an item on Tuesday and quickly caught fire online.
Earlier Tuesday Phelps, 23, also denied that he was dating the swimmer, telling "Extra" via satellite, "No, I'm not dating Amanda Beard. ... I think she has a boyfriend."
But sorry, ladies: Phelps wouldn't elaborate on his dating life. The champ said that only his friends know whether he's single.

Let's see Amanda, now you're what, almost 27? You're still in pretty good shape but you've always been a butterface. Just saying. So you're actually going to be starting that back slope of the good looks and high life in a few years.

Michael Phelps. Let's see the kid is 23 with like 45 gold medals. He is THE story of the Olympic games in Beijing. Sports pundits are estimating his future endorsements in the low $100 millions.

So you're not worth a quarter of what Phelps is probably going to be. You're Ugly. You're not as successful of a swimmer. You're no longer headlines since his talent upstaged your slutty PETA pictures. He eat's like a champion while PETA probably turned you into a vegetarian. Yeah, Amanda. You're waaaaayyy too good for Michael.

In reality, Phelps is going to bang 100 sluts who are better than you before he even get's back to Baltimore. And when he does decide that a girlfriend is in his future Irish Road thinks that maybe he should shoot for somebody who actually does have good tastes. I guarantee he would have a choice of these women from his hometown. It would be better if they were from Pittsburgh but they can't all be perfect ..... or can they?

Amanda Beard is ... even if it's only in her own world.

John Challis

All of us in Pittsburgh have been made aware of this inspirational kid from Freedom over the last 2 years. Anyone who hasn't been touched by him at one point or another, whether it be personnally or through the news, has really missed out on something special. Tuesday, John Challis was claimed by cancer. He was one of the good ones. He left a heavily weighted message about making each day count because you never know when your day will come.

"It's harder for them than it is for me. I mean, my mom's gonna lose her son. What am I going to lose? I'm losing my family, but we're all going to die someday. It's harder on her than it is going to be for anybody. If I'm afraid of anything, that's what I'm afraid of."

He understood things that most of us won't learn for years. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Challis family and we'd just like to say that we've heard his message and it will stick with us forever.

We'll miss you John. God Speed.
You can visit John's Courage for Life Foundation here:

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

First Post

Well for my first post I thought I would talk about the Olympics since that is the big thing this week. Tonight's events consist of track, gymnastics and diving.

First gymnastics: This has lost all luster for me. The Chinese have borrowed an old Clarion University XC tactic: Cheat to win. The Chinese (alledgedly) have been using 13 year old gymnasts to win Gold Medals for them while the minimum age to compete in the Olympics is 16. Somehow, Danny Almonte must be involved in this. It really is a disgrace though. I mean 13 year old Chinese girls should be making me Nike shoes in a factory not competing for Gold Medals. Props to the Americans who won the Gold medal on the balance beam. She deserves it. I just wish I could remember her name.

Next track: American track has fallen from it's hayday. Excuse me, I mean it's Balco fueled hayday. I guess a Bronze medal in the men's hundred and a Jamaican sweep in the women's hundred is what you get when your athlete's aren't taking steroids. Personally I think the military has a good idea which could be applied here. Don't ask. Don't tell. I maintain ignorance is bliss. We can't have the Chinese taking all the Gold, can we? Also what is the point of the 5 minute introductions before semifinal track races? It's on TAPE DELAY! Cut to the good parts. It feels like I am watching 90 minutes of coverage for like 8 races. Sanya Richards was only able to gain the Bronze medal in the 400 meter dash. The announcer said it appeard she cramped up. I think it may have been the 5 pounds of jewelery she was wearing as well as those stupid arm things that Allen Iverson wears. Seriously, it's a track meet, not a fashion show.

Lastly Diving: Ok who really cares about diving? At least it wasn't that synchronized diving bullshit. Look! I jumped on a board and fell into a pool! And they gave me a medal and an endorsement contract! Enough said. Plus I don't feel like writing anymore. The Daily Show is coming on soon.

One final comment: Could American news services not announce the results until they are shown on TV? Or at least not plaster it on the front page of every news and sports website? If I want to watch a sporting event I know the result of, I'll just pop in my DVD of Super Bowl XL.

Urinal Etiquette


When it comes to Urinal Etiquette almost every guy has a way they like to do things. You have your plan, you go in, you do your thing and then you get out. Lately though some guys just don’t respect the unwritten ‘Guy Code’ at the Urinal. They feel the excessive need to walk in and act gay.
If you are that guy then these are for you. If you don’t follow them you’re liable to your own ass getting kicked. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

1. Walk in and respect the line.
-Do not cut others who have to expend what’s in their bladders.

2. If you must wait for a urinal, do so respectfully.
-If you absolutely have to talk to the dude next to you make short comments. Do not stare at those pissing. Only glance quickly to see if a urinal has opened.

3. Urinal cushion between guys.
-When possible use a cushion of at least one empty urinal between you and the guy next to you. I like my space when I’m pissing. Its bad enough I have to stand next to someone when I’m draining the lizard. It’s worse to stand next to somebody while pissing when there’s an available urinal cushion. This is grounds for an ass-kicking!

4. Walk up to Urinal with eyes forward.
-Walking up and looking around may cause an inadvertent glance at another penis. Such look is grounds for an ass-kicking!

5. Do not speak.
-While I’m sure you may have something interesting to say, I don’t want to hear it. I am trying to concentrate on pissing. I don’t need to hear your comments on some hot chick in the club or how the fucking weather is. Besides, I’ll take the hot chick comment as a front for your homosexuality and kick your ass! In fact …

6. Courtesy flush.
- Give me the courtesy of hearing running water since your heavy ass just noisily stumbled up to the urinal next to me while I was busy concentrating.

7. No looking.
-I know it was said before but it’s worth repeating. When you’re at the urinal you must be as disciplined as an Army Ranger in formation. Stand in your pissing position and keep your eyes locked forward. I will kick your ass if you break ranks!

8. Back splash is gay.
-Stand close enough to piss in the urinal and far enough away to avoid back splash. For God sakes dude, if I’m trying to pick up a chick I’m not going to do it with your piss on my shoes. That’s one of the fashion things they check out. Shoes. I don’t need urine on mine because you wanted to stand with your wang in the urinal.

9. Shake 3 times.
-Any more and you’re just playing with it. But shake it well too! No need for piss stains when you’re trying to pick up chicks!

10. If you have to piss in a stall, lift the seat.
-Come on asshole! It’s not difficult to kick it up! By no means should you touch it with your hands. But kick it up. What if you’re the dude that has to drop a man-bomb on emergency? You don’t want little golden drops awaiting your rectum! Be respectful for those unfortunate souls who can’t hold it in a public area.

11. Do not take all day in the bathroom.
-You are a guy. This is not a social event. Get in. Get the hell out. That’s why there’s a water cooler, douche bag! Go there and talk about your dumb ass American Idol.

12. The sink is unacceptable.
-God gave us a penis for many reasons. One of them was so we didn’t have to be little bitches and piss every 20 minutes. If the urinals and the stalls are full then hold it. Don’t be the idiot that pisses where we sanitize our hands. Besides, if you really have to be the pussy of the group, go outside. Unless you forgot, you can still piss while standing up. Therefore ‘the world is your urinal’. Use it. Leave the sink to cleaning hands.

13. Wash hands.
-We’re men. We’re rough. But for God’s sake dude, wash your hands! You just had your hands somewhere in that restroom that didn’t agree with your cleanliness. And if you plan on giving me or anyone a high-five you better not bring some piss-germs.

14. At a fancy place do not tip the towel guy.
-I can dry my hands myself. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I don’t think I need to start paying for some guy to hand me a towel. That’s like being a beer brewer and then buying your own brand at the store. Don’t be retarded.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I hope you enjoyed. Please respect the Urinal Etiquette Commandments. I really don’t want to have to kick your ass.

At gunpoint, 85-year-old Fayette County woman makes intruder call 911

From the Pittsburgh Tribune Review

An elderly Fayette County woman turned the tables on a 17-year-old burglary suspect Sunday, forcing him at gunpoint to dial 911 and then wait until state police arrived.
The 85-year-old victim, who lives on Old Lake Lynn Road in rural Springhill Township, told police she heard the male suspect break into her home about 3 p.m. and when she realized he was inside retrieved a handgun.
As the teenager attempted to hide in her bedroom, state police at Uniontown said, the woman instructed the burglar to turn around to her and not flee.
Trooper Christian Lieberum said the victim then ordered the burglar to dial 911 and give her the telephone after he placed the call.
"The victim then held the accused at gunpoint until state police arrived," Lieberum said.
Lieberum said the youth will be adjudicated in juvenile court.
Hey buddy .... I hope you can take an ass beating better than you can take a purse because as soon as your cell-mates find out you got owned by an 85 year old woman you're going to be somebody's bitch!

Cast of Characters: The Chameleon

For sakes of my job I changed the girls name.

There’s this fucking chick in my office. She's a Chameleon. Let me explain.

A Chameleon is a person who either:

A) Changes their background to fit in with a crowd.
B) Changes their mannerisms depending on who is around them.
C) Changes their clothing style depending on who they're going out with.

She's pretty much a mixture of A. and B.

She's from a more rural area but she's not country. She's just normal suburban white girl. Her name is Melissa. She's the epitome of office annoyance to me. So in return I try to make her life hell every now and then. But this is off the subject. After observing her Chameleon tendencies I've noticed that there is a hierarchy to her color changing. It goes Suburban, Country, Latino, Ghetto, and Gangsta.
The difference between Ghetto and Gangsta may seem small on paper but I had to separate them because there have been some White Urbanites rolling through our unit here and there. But I'm still not completely explaining this.

Suburban - This is normal Melissa Jones. She is annoying by herself. But tolerable. I can just zone her out. Good enough for me. Annoyance Level 1.

Country - Daisy Jones. This is Melissa when we have a client come in who's from below the Mason Dixon line. I hate associating her with name that was given to the hott chick in Dukes of Hazard but it kind of flows when you say the name. Daisy Jones starts to get a Southern drawl. It's pretty noticeable. But not so annoying. Annoyance Level 2. Poser Level 1.

Latino - Consuela Jones. This is Melissa when there is a Latin person in the room. You can definitely see her mannerisms change since she uses her hands like 10 times more. Her accent is now a Puerto Rican one. This is Annoyance Level 3. Any sustained amount at this level makes you have to put on music loud. Poser Level 2.

Ghetto - Brittany Jones. She turns into a mini-Diva wanna-be who's looking for her K-Fed (who's most likely a poser chameleon themselves). She gets a slight head bob. It mirrors closely the Consuela Jones in annoyance level and Poser Level. Annoyance Level 3. Poser Level 2.

Gangsta - Laquwesha Jones. This is straight up, ghetto, gangsta, head bobbin, arm waving, loudest person in the room of the Chameleon entourage. She definitely puts on a more Ebonics accent than most black people I know. And the more black people in the room the worse it gets. Seriously, I'd put her little Ebonics speak on the level with Chris Tucker. She skips a level and shoots me straight to Annoyance Level 5. Not leaving the room ... That's at Level 4. No this is the 'throw shit at her' Level. It is also Poser Level 3 Squared. That's right. It's exponential. I did say it gets worse as you add more black people to the room.


And that is a Chameleon.

On Irish Road

Welcome to the inaugural post of On Irish Road ..... no that doesn't sound right.

Hey everyone! This is the first ..... Still too manufactured.

I should be doing this drunk off my ass. Seriously. That's why you're here and why Irish Road came about. The idea of Irish Road was so me and my other buddy, who is occasionally sober enough to write too, could write down our exploits into the drunken world. And so we could vent into the web about whatever we felt needed venting. Usually that involves the maniverse or man-world. If politics comes up you'll get a healthy dose of bullshit from both of us. He's a flaming liberal and I'm ... well I tend to be more conservative but I really hate both parties (I just declared as an independent). Hopefully though politics won't come up. They suck and nobody wants to hear that crap anyways. So we'll mostly stick to the more inebriated side of life. That's where the title On Irish Road comes from. You see, we were drinking at my place one night when a good female friend of mine came over. I was acting in a rather cheerful state induced by 8 Yuenglings (Pennsylvania's Finest) and a couple shots of Jameson (Yum!). My cheerful state usually includes me cracking jokes left and right and playing many drinking games at once. Anyways, Julianne (as we'll call her .... okay that's actually her real name) was laughing her ass off in no time and wanted to know if I was drunk. Hell no I wasn't drunk!! My Irish blood is thick!! It takes a little more than that to get me there! But in all honesty I was more than buzzed. But not quite drunk. Does this make sense to anyone else? Maybe you need a high tolerance for it to make sense. But in a genuine moment she asked, "Are you drunk?" And I looked back and said "Naw, I'm just walking on Irish Road!" To this day the phrase has been used once somebody hits that level of drinking where they are the most cheerful person in the room and everyone in sight is instantly a friend. Irish Road isn't a level of drinking where you are fighting or aggressive, although it tends to lead to it, but a state of inebriation that lets you enjoy life more. Welcome to my Irish Road. Pull up a stool and grab a drink!