Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ten Everyday People Who I Want to Fight

Every day we wake up and go about our daily lives. It's unfortunate but the inevitable always happens. We run into that one person who we just want to beat the crap out of. I had one of those days and decided to compile a list of the people who we see during our normal routine that just really need an ass kicking for being who they are.

They Gym Groupie
The gym groupie is so fucking great to look at. Honestly. Well .... normally. But when I go to the gym it's not to oogle chicks and try to score dates. I go to the gym to lift weights. Gym membership, for the most part, is expensive enough but then you have to battle other gym goers for the equipment that you want to use. Fair enough. But when I have to wait 20 minutes to use a bench because some chick wants to sit on it and talk to some steroid junkie I go furious. They aren't using it because they only come to the gym to talk to guys. The guy isn't using his bench because some slut is talking his ear off. Gym groupie go home! You can call up Mr. Roid User later or have him come bang you at whatever bar you're working at. Why the hell did you get a gym membership if you didn't plan on using any of the equipment for it's intended purpose?

Park Maintenance Crews
I know that most people don't have problems with these guys. But I do. And so do a lot of other mountain bikers out there. Mountain Biking trails are suppose to have tough spots. That's what makes them a challenge. That's what makes it fun and exciting. Then, because of an influx of hikers who can't be bothered to step over a log, Park Maintenance Crews come and chop out all of the brush and fallen trees. They basically remove anything from the trails that make mountain biking, well, mountain biking. When you don't have any technical parts on a trail you just get trail riding and thus reduce it to a step away from road cycling. So a special thanks goes to the North Park Crews who ruined every trail they had. I'll just by a pussy bike and pretend I'm a two testicled Lance Freakin' Armstrong.

Creatine Abusers
These guys are the worst. They go to the gym. They usually lack the energy to do a decent workout. They can't lift as much as they should for their size. Then they go home and down a gallon of creatine to make themselves look bigger. Listen douchebags, when you over use on the creatine and don't lift properly you only make yourselves look like an idiot. You're bloated. You're not really big. You just are retaining water. These guys can easily be identified because they have no definition in their size. They usually walk around like they're the baddest mofo's in the gym and are sometimes accompanied by a gym groupie.

The Bouncer at Jimmy D's
This picture is actually of the bouncer at Young's Tavern who is my boy for kicking Sienna Miller's conceited ass out of the bar. The Bouncer down at Jimmy D's is just a badass wannabe. See creatine abuser. He constantly needs reminded by me how to read a military ID. Seriously dude?!? I've freakin handed it to you 50 times and you still can't figure it out? He once told my buddy he was too intoxicated to come in. My friend has a natural stutter and that's what he based it off of. He was perfectly functional for 10 P.M. He also rejected my other friend, Big Country, because he was wearing tennis shoes. I can't defend Big Country's choice of shoes because I repeatedly tell him to dress nicer but I can defend him on this situation. The bouncer himself was wearing Chuck Taylors with shorts. If you're going to rip my boy for tennis shoes at least make sure you have some style yourself asshole.

These are the pussies that completely changed my supermarkets around. Before I could walk right into a Giant Eagle and walk right over to the Deli. Now I have to travel through the produce/health food/ vegetarian section. What the Eff?!?!? Because some loser decided for the rest of their life they were only going to eat freakin' leaves, now I have to suffer? What kind of bullshit is that? On top of that they constantly tell me that the slaughter of innocent animals, so I can eat, is wrong. I don't want to hear about what an amazingly earth conscience life style plant eater you are! Give me a damn cow to slaughter! Which brings me to my next one ...

People of PETA
I know the earth is fantastic. Love it. Love to hunt in it, camp in it, climb in it, bike in it and I love it's animals. But killing an animal to eat isn't wrong. Making a kick ass leather coat out of my meal isn't wrong either. Hell, if I decide to put that animal's head on my wall then give me some bonus points! But don't try telling me that these animals have rights. People have rights. Animals don't. I understand that we can't go around fighting them and then electrocuting them for losing. I don't condone the abuse and mistreatment. But I'm not about to let them vote for President of the United States. PETA though is a bunch of phonies. They claim to want to protect animals but in fact they do more harm than good. They care more about animal suffering and none about human suffering. If they put half the effort into Saving Darfur that they did in saving animals that conflict might already be over. The actually spend less than 1% of their total budget on care of animals. These guys really need an ass beating.

Fat 'Handicapped' People

Who the hell that is awarding these idiots handicapped tags? That person needs shot too! Listen, handicapped fatty, you aren't disabled. That dude in the wheelchair over there is. You are just a glutton who decided to be lazy and not get your fat ass off of the sofa. Instead of parking you in the front of a store they should require you park a half mile away so that you work that gut off. Somebody should hold a freakin' Twinkie over your head until you learn to jump high enough to reach it.

People who designed Target's Parking Lot

What genius designed this thing? Obviously he's a competitor in the Special Olympics. Where else would you see that many damn handicapped parking spots? It's ridiculous! They have one almost full row in front of the main entrance and then more spots in the half rows next to it. If every handicapped person in Pittsburgh showed up at Target on the same day at the same time there would still be spaces open. I guess those extra ones are for the fat asses.

Drivers Who Match Speed on a Two-Lane Highway
This is probably the one that infuriates me the most. These guys usually have ten cars of traffic behind them and half a mile of empty road in front of them. Yet they'll still go on for miles driving next to each other like a bunch of queers buddying up on the road. All you need is to go an extra 5 miles an hour and let the real drivers get by your slow ass. But these dickheads are content to drive at a glacial pace, especially when you're in a hurry to be somewhere (like me going to work in the morning). At the next traffic light please get out and beat these driver' ass!

Check Writer at the Express Lane
If it wasn't usually a woman I'd already have my badge for giving this person a grade A beat down. It's called the Express Lane for a reason dip shit! It's suppose to be quick. But there you go, pulling out your freakin' checkbook and pissing the rest of us off. If you are this person please do everyone the favor of at least having most of the check filled in before you reach the cashier. Then you could just jot down the total and be out of there. But no, in this techno age of check cards, you've got to pull out your stone and chisel.

"Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met."

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