Monday, September 8, 2008

Oregon State vs. Penn State: A football diary

Today Runhigh calls me up and says “Hey, wanna play the football drinking rules to the Penn State game?” Well …. Okay. It doesn’t take a lot to convince me to drink. I mean granted the game doesn’t start until 3:30 when my girlfriend gets off of work but I’ll just tell her to go hang out with her family, who’s in town, until the game is over. She won’t (will) mind. But this is all so we can use the newly acquired rules that me and Runhigh decided on. Since it’s a college game we had to modify a few of the rules.

Change 1) Ed Hochuli Rule is changed to the Joe Pa Rule – Every time you see Joe Pa drink for 5 seconds.

Change 2) The King Rule is changed to the College Rule – Anytime a commercial for one of the two colleges playing appears you have to drink for 10 seconds.

Change 3) The Maddenism Rule is changed to the Sideline reporter Rule – Anytime they show the sideline reporter you have to drink 5 seconds.

On to the drinking!

3:00 - Ohio has officially blown the game to Ohio St. Me and Runhigh go on a beer run.

3:10 – We grab a case of Pennsylvania’s Finest and while returning Runhigh tries to honk my horn as we pass an attractive 15 yr old. I block it. Thank God.

3:27 – They do a Joe Pa montage. We decide to drink 10 seconds. ABC starts our drinking off big.

3:31 – They show a sideline reporter and Joe Pa back to back. We have half of our first beer done in the first 5 minutes.

3:34 – Penn State puts the opening kickoff out of bounds. God I have a bad feeling about this. At least they didn’t return it for more drinking.

3:37 – Oregon State returns the favor and gives a pretty crappy punt. Runhigh reminds me that the kickoff had a penalty and the Penalty Rule is enacted. We decide the kick went out at the 20 and we owe 20 seconds. First beer done.

3:39 – Penn State throws a first down. 5 more seconds. Eff!

3:42 – Paul MaGuire asks if anyone mentions that the PSU QB is from his high school. I shout at the TV that no one effing cares. Penn State scores on the next play. 7 seconds of drinking for the points. Second beer is done.

3:56 - A couple of first downs. A couple of drinks. Penn State scores and we drink 7 more. 14-0 with 5 minutes left in the 1st quarter.

4:00 – Oregon St returns the kick for 20 yards. They immediately get a first down. Beer three done. It’s been a half hour. This day is awesome. We’re getting so effed up. Yes!

4:15 – Cheerleaders come on the tube. I finish my fourth during their airtime.

4:16 – Me and Runhigh get into a weed discussion. We still decide that that weed should be legalized. We also decide that we shouldn't touch it since our government related jobs drug test.

4:17 – PSU scores. 21-0.

4:29 – PSU drives down and scores again. We drink some more. I’m finishing my sixth as Runghigh is pouring his sixth. I’m bringing glory to my screen name. We start discussing Obama on the Bill O’Reilly show and our personal views on Iran. How do politics keep coming into a day of drinking and football?!? I hate election years!

4:33 – I have an apartment with a balcony overlooking the street. A cream colored car parks outside and we decide that my apartment walls are the same color. We keep making fun of the car until the owner comes out and moves it.

4:39 – Runhigh starts drinking big to catch up. 6 beers to five is a lot so he has a lot of drinking but he fares well.

4:40 – OSU finally scores. I cuss and the neighbors look up from across the street. Eff them! I’m drinking bitches!!! Runhigh complete his beer and is half of a beer behind me! I’ve gotta work. When we go out to the Southside he usually is in the lead. I’ve gotta keep on offense.

4:42 – Runhigh points out a beer commercial. We drink some more. I finish my seventh. I rule! He starts bringing his ‘A’ game.

4:49 – I update my girlfriend on the score. She immediately calls me but only to say “Thanks for letting me know the score! I love you! Goodbye!” I usually talk to her for at least five minutes and I tell Runhigh of my shock of a 30 second call. He says “Is this a new Happy Gilmore?” We laugh and drink. She doesn't know that I'm getting wasted. I'll be yelled at later. That's my incentive to not be coherent for it.

4:51 – PSU scores! 35-7 the Lions are kicking ass. I’m a half beer ahead of Runhigh. I love this game!

4:54 – We listen to a voicemail that Runhigh sent me last night (which woke up my girlfriend and pissed her off). He tells me that he made out with a fat chick to wingman for his buddy. He told me nothing happened earlier! Liar! He’s a chubby chaser!! Lol! Okay, at least he didn’t screw her!

4:57 – PSU goes for a 60 yard FG. The miss by like two yards!
5:01 – Sideline reporter interviews Joe Pa. 10 second drink! 35-7at halftime.

5:03 – Runhigh finishes his 7th beer. I finish my 8th. Runhigh decides he needs to drinks faster to “obliterate the memory of the fat chick from last night!” He claims no wood happened. It was just wingman tactics. Unfortunately I believe him so I can’t rag on him too much.

5:20 – Runhigh and I discuss the advantages of girlfriends that give morning head. This discussion is too raunchy to blog but I’m sure that most guys know what’s going on here. Gotta love the chick that’s about morning head! You’ve got a keeper there!

5:27 – Penn State fumbles at the 1 yard line. The PSU fans start to give the safety sign. I love fans that know football. Idiots … they should know better than to give a safety sign. Oregon State recovers and has to travel the whole field. Impossible!

5:28 - Oregon State gets a first down. And then another. Damn! Half of my beer for a turnover and then 6 seconds for two consecutive first downs!

5:38 – ABC shows us what is happened before and after Joe Pa has been born. Runhigh says sliced bread is the best thing since Joe Paterno (1926 vs. 1928). Joe Pa wins by two years!

5:42 – ABC let's us know that WVU is losing 10-3. We love it!

5:44 – PSU QB rushes for the TD. 38-7 Penn State! We’re losing count of how many beers we drank. The case is quickly disappearing.

5:50 – ABC interviews the PSU cheerleaders. So we add 5 seconds for the sideline reporters, about 5 for the cheerleaders and then PSU intercepts so we add a half of beer for the turnover. Shiite!!!!!!!!!!!

5:52 – Field Goal Penn state! 41-7 the Lions are up!

5:56 – ABC just showed us that East Carolina is beating WVU 17-3. Go Pitt!

6:01 – My buddy Joey K tells me that it’s cool that I bring Runhigh over to UFC 88 tonight. Liddell vs. Evans! I love Liddell. He’ll kick ass. Runhigh tells me I have a perfect face for radio. I flick him off and tell him to screw himself. “Fuck you Runhigh!” Anyways I’m cool and Runhigh sucks dick! He informs me he charges for that now. I tell him them the prices are too high and that he’s gotta pay for his own rent!

6:16 – The punter fakes his punt and gets the first down. The Refs call a penalty and bring it back. They re-kick the punt. Damnit! Runhigh calls everyone gay!

6:18 – They show the Phelps commercial. Runhigh declares that we should drink to it so we do! 5 seconds! Damn! I drink my ass off! I start a rant that is incoherent and causes more drinking. These rules are no joke!

6:27 – Penn State punts it away. The OSU returner get’s Jacked up So we drink 5 seconds. No slowing down for the weak! Drink 5 seconds!

6:37 – Joe Pa is shown like 72 times. We owe something close to 47 seconds worth of drinking time. Whatever! My math is horrible after 12 beers in 3 hours. We drink some more. There are like 3 beers left but they were from a previous case. I out drink Runhigh! I own Runhigh. Suck it Germans!!! I rule!

6:40 – Penn State is a winner! Joe Pa wins! 45-14 PSU wins!

So me and Runhigh finish off the rest of the beer. It’s a celebration!
It’s time to pass out so that we can drive to UFC later. Damn I’m messed up.
Runhigh goes online and figures out that our BAC is somewhere north of .20 …. Maybe my girlfriend will drive. Right now I’m walking … well, okay … I’m stumbling down Irish Road.