Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Celebrity Square Off: Top Ten Celebs I'd Like to See Fight

Today Runhigh sends me a link from MSN. Apparently Michael Lohan (Lindsay's Daddy) wants to fight K-fed. Unfortunately it doesn't really give the details on how the fight would go down. It just says that he would do it for charity since they are both celebrity dads. First things first, Michael, you are not a celebrity and K-fed is a D-lister at best. Second, can we make sure this isn't some pussy boxing match? I don't think anybody wants to see a cat fight go down between two 'never-was'. If you two are going to fight let's do it MMA style in a cage. Runhigh wants to make sure that it doesn't end until somebody is dead but I don't care as long as somebody is bleeding and knocked the fuck out.

All of this got me thinking about what other Celebrities I'd like to see square off in the Octagon and duke it out till someone was KO'd. So here are my Top Ten Celebrity MMA fights!

10. Paris Hilton vs. Victoria Beckham
They're both Super-Skinny, Platinum blonde bitches that seriously need a 14 oz. steak. They're both hot as hell but I don't think I could bring myself to touch either one (they just seem tainted). Plus each one of them lives on their own planet or at least it seems that way by how stuck up they are. This would just be pure entertainment, watching them swing Marc Jacob bags and attempt to stab each other with 6 inch stilettos. I give the edge to Paris. She's American and she's use to be slammed around *wink wink*.

9. Spencer Pratt vs. Dane Cook
Who at one point or another hasn't wanted to see one of these guys get their ass kicked? Spencer keeps thinking he's the biggest star to grace TV and Dane Cook's jokes just find a way to get older than Larry King. If you're picking by facial hair Dane Cook at least has a manlier look. Pratt just looks like that fucking dweeb from junior high who thinks he looks more mature because he hasn't shaved in 3 months. And while Cook is a Boston fan, which usually gets my vote for a beating, I'll take him over Pratt since he appears to have more size, reach and is slightly less of a douche bag.

8. Vince Vaughn vs. Tom Cruise
Honestly when I was first thinking of this one I was trying to pick out someone who would just beat the living piss out of Tom Cruise. Cruise is like 5'2 or something, 123 lbs ....... I don't know ... just whatever Katie Holmes is minus 2 inches and add on 10 lbs. That's what Tom Cruise is. Vince Vaughn on the other hand is like 6'6 and at least 220-230 lbs. The guy's an animal. But after thinking about all of the action roles that Tom-Tom has done and that he's probably pretty quick for a little guy I decided the fight would be pretty interesting. Add in the crazy factor for being a Scientologist and you've got yourself a match! I still gotta give it to the big man Vince though, just because of his mugshot.

7. Jennifer Lopez vs. Kim Kardashian
This one was a difficult call. Call it the clash of the booty's. It's a titanic battle of behinds. J-Lo's got the better career. She's done Music and Movies. Kim's famous for appearing naked and letting some dude film himself banging her. I've gotta give a more conditioned body to Lopez and street cred for being "Jenny from the Block" .... that and Diddy did her. J-Lo wins by a booty.

6. Reggie Bush vs. Ray J
Come on! Make the prize Kim Kardashian and these two would be animals in the cage! They both keep in shape and can probably throw down in the streets if it came down to it. They both love living the high life and slammin that Kim chick proves it. When it comes down to it though I could see Ray J saying something cocky about having the video with Kim and Reggie would go ballistic. Advantage Reggie.

5. Madonna vs. Cynthia Rodriguez
Queen of Pop vs. F-Rod. The former Mrs. Rodriguez and the Mistress of Mr. Rodriguez. One battles the stresses of being a global icon and the other takes on the NY media on a daily basis. While Cynthia looks are far above her competitor she doesn't have the same star power. And even though she looks like she could kick some ass I still have to give credit to a 50 year old woman who has been a whore .... er, um ... diva for over 20 years. Youth is served. Advantage Madonna.

4. Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sarah Silverman
If we were having them rock it with a mic I'd give it to Kimmel since he's a funnier comedian and a pretty good late night host. As far as putting them in a ring I don't see him being the most fit man in Hollywood. He's kind of pudgy and doesn't really strike me as having great conditioning. Silverman on the other hand could probably down a couple steaks and not gain a pound. Plus she'd belch and kick your ass if you told her it wasn't ladylike. She get's the feisty edge. Silverman pounds Kimmel.

3. Kid Rock vs. Tommy Lee vs. Brett Michaels
Have you ever thought of a three way MMA match that you'd love to see more than this? All three have banged Miss Pam Anderson the former hottest woman in Show Biz. All three are rock stars that at one point or another had drug addictions. I can't remember if Kid Rock put out a video too but I do know that Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels have both done the dirty on camera with the aforementioned Miss Anderson. So in an obvious move you would have to give the winner of the match their Baywatch prize. We've seen Tommy and Kid Rock brawl before at the VMA's. Michaels on the other hand seems more like a lover than a fighter. As much as I love him for being from Pittsburgh I call him on that and rule him out as the winner. Much love for Kid Rock but I think Tommy already beat him down at their fight in the VMA's. I'd give it to Tommy Lee by way of his massive manhood.

2. Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell
This one has epic battle written all over it. The Rug wearer vs. the Rug muncher. The man who could crush you with his wallet vs. the man .... um ... woman who could crush you by sitting on you. Donald can add WWE to his fighting resume but when it comes down to it how do you bet against a crazy, loud mouthed, man-eating dyke? As assertive and loud mouthed as the Don can be I've gotta give the edge to psycho-bitch in an enclosed area. Advantage Rosie.

1. Carrie Underwood vs. Jessica Simpson
It's the thing that makes wet dreams in high school. Two of the hottest blondes fighting over you. And we can make it happen for ourselves. Oh ... and Tony Romo. Think about it. They're both devastatingly sexy. Both blonde pop stars. Both southern beauties with a thing for star quarterbacks ... and Tony Romo. Carrie brings her sassiness and wit. Jessica brings her massive ... um ... hair. But when it comes down to it how can you choose a vegetarian over a regular gal who will eat buffalo wings with you (even if she doesn't know they're not made with real buffalo)? I think Jessica's dimwits work for her. If she gets popped in the head a few times its unlikely that you'll knock any brain cells into submission. Plus you gotta give a girl props if she has enough power to hold the Dallas Cowboys from winning in the playoffs. That alone is enough for the Steeler fan in me. Advantage Jessica.
Have I missed anything? What matches would you like to see?

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