Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Cast of Characters: The Chameleon


For sakes of my job I changed the girls name.

There’s this fucking chick in my office. She's a Chameleon. Let me explain.


A Chameleon is a person who either:

A) Changes their background to fit in with a crowd.
B) Changes their mannerisms depending on who is around them.
C) Changes their clothing style depending on who they're going out with.

She's pretty much a mixture of A. and B.

She's from a more rural area but she's not country. She's just normal suburban white girl. Her name is Melissa. She's the epitome of office annoyance to me. So in return I try to make her life hell every now and then. But this is off the subject. After observing her Chameleon tendencies I've noticed that there is a hierarchy to her color changing. It goes Suburban, Country, Latino, Ghetto, and Gangsta.
The difference between Ghetto and Gangsta may seem small on paper but I had to separate them because there have been some White Urbanites rolling through our unit here and there. But I'm still not completely explaining this.

Suburban - This is normal Melissa Jones. She is annoying by herself. But tolerable. I can just zone her out. Good enough for me. Annoyance Level 1.

Country - Daisy Jones. This is Melissa when we have a client come in who's from below the Mason Dixon line. I hate associating her with name that was given to the hott chick in Dukes of Hazard but it kind of flows when you say the name. Daisy Jones starts to get a Southern drawl. It's pretty noticeable. But not so annoying. Annoyance Level 2. Poser Level 1.

Latino - Consuela Jones. This is Melissa when there is a Latin person in the room. You can definitely see her mannerisms change since she uses her hands like 10 times more. Her accent is now a Puerto Rican one. This is Annoyance Level 3. Any sustained amount at this level makes you have to put on music loud. Poser Level 2.

Ghetto - Brittany Jones. She turns into a mini-Diva wanna-be who's looking for her K-Fed (who's most likely a poser chameleon themselves). She gets a slight head bob. It mirrors closely the Consuela Jones in annoyance level and Poser Level. Annoyance Level 3. Poser Level 2.

Gangsta - Laquwesha Jones. This is straight up, ghetto, gangsta, head bobbin, arm waving, loudest person in the room of the Chameleon entourage. She definitely puts on a more Ebonics accent than most black people I know. And the more black people in the room the worse it gets. Seriously, I'd put her little Ebonics speak on the level with Chris Tucker. She skips a level and shoots me straight to Annoyance Level 5. Not leaving the room ... That's at Level 4. No this is the 'throw shit at her' Level. It is also Poser Level 3 Squared. That's right. It's exponential. I did say it gets worse as you add more black people to the room.

Listen Laquwesha Jones... YOU'RE FUCKING WHITE! YOU ARE A WHITE GIRL! YOU'RE FROM THE FUCKING SUBURBS! THE ONLY HOOD YOU'VE SEEN IS ON THE BACK OF YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PARKA!!! QUIT ACTING BLACK!!! YOU ARE A WHITE GIRL!!!

And that is a Chameleon.

No comments: