Sunday, October 12, 2008

What Your Car Says About You

Kia/Hyundia - Congratulations! You are so ignorant about cars you actually bought one made in Korea. Don't be surprised when the transmission fails, clutch fails or passenger side window breaks without even being hit. Hopefully, after buying one of these vehicles, you figure out how much they suck, and switch to another brand.

Chevy Silverado - If you own this vehicle odds are you are driving around a town of about 3,500 people in Kansas or Nebraska whith the windows down and obnoxiously blaring Kenny Chesney to every unfoturnate soul within earshot. Oh yeah, and you only use the bed as a place to toss empty beer cans and fuck your fat-ass redneck girlfriend.

Hybrid - People who own a hybrid represent the Aging Hippy Liberal Douche played so well on the Southpark episode with the "Goobacks." Also, you may be an idealistic college student whose rich parents bought you a status symbol at some elite eastern college.

Ferrari - I think Nicholas Cage's words in "Gone in 60 Seconds" fit best here. Simply put, you are a self indulgent weiner. Also, I place odds that you are probably compensating for something. And one more thing, if you're fortunate enough to own a quarter million dollar car, quit bitching about your taxes. Most people in Pittsburgh would be lucky to own a quarter million dollar house!

PT Cruiser - Simply put, you suck. Even worse than the Ferrari and Hybrid drivers. At least their cars are conversation starters. You are probably a relative of Ned Flanders or at least wear the same stupid outfit and say random shit like diddly. Just as bad you always drive 5 miles per hour below the speed limit obstructing the way of people who actually have to be places.

Buick - Get off the road Grandpa! The average age of Buick owners is like 71 years old or something. Only in America would we let people with deteriorating eyesight drive the largest cars on the road. I'm all for freedom and equality but giving a 75 year old person a car is like handing a loaded firearm to a 6 year old. The results will be funny, provided that you aren't the one hurt.

Smart Car - Honestly, I'm all for helping out the environment. Seriously. But still, take care of your safety before you take care of the environment. Sure the Smart Car gets like 58 MPG, but who do you think is going to the hospital when you collide with a tractor trailer, Cadillac Escalade or even worse, an 80 year old in a Buick? You'll be the one in a body cast while they keep on driving thinking they just hit a speed bump. So do yourself a favor and buy something a little safer. If you want a cheap car with good gas mileage and guarantees you won't be getting laid anytime soon, a new Ford Focus only costs about $13,000.

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