Sunday, October 5, 2008

Welcome to the Dirty South

A few weeks ago I asked my friend Big Country to send me a list of all the things that make the South Great. Big Country is a displaced Pittsburgher trying to survive in South Carolina. I feel bad for my friend seeing that most places are trailers with outhouses instead of running water. But the tough will survive .... and somehow the stupid survive with them. Anyways he sent me up a pretty good list and I just wanted to share with you some great southern culture.
10. Watering the lawn
I was driving into work today and I saw somebody with their sprinklers running. No big deal normally ... except it was pouring down rain. I mean seriously the torrential downpour isn't enough water for you? Okay ... let's give them some help and say it was just too early for them to wake up and shut it off. Except it wasn't. We know they were just too stupid to do that.
9. Why don't you buy two 12 packs?
As a beer drinker who likes to store some in his refrigerator for more than one night a 12 pack just won't do. It is literally next to impossible to find a case of beer in the south. They've got 6, 12, and believe it or not I've seen 18 packs but you can't find a case of 24. Hell you're going to find 40's like they're going out of style. The 24 case is like a unicorn once you've gone below the Mason Dixon line. I know you can at least go to your local gas station and get beer but I don't want to have to go out every night to get more beer. I'd like to know that I've got more than one left after crushing 10 or so while watching some crappy SEC team play another crappy SEC team.
8. Slow is not an adjective it's a way of life.
Can somebody please tell me what the point of being on time is? You'll have better luck finding a legal immigrant in Los Angeles than you will finding somebody who is on time in the south. I'm now convinced that the reason they love NASCAR is because they're the only people who can do anything fast down here. Hobbies of Southerners: Watch Paint dry, drink crappy beer, watch paint dry, hump your sister, drink crappy beer, and watch paint dry. If it takes effort don't try and sell it down here.
7. Tailgating with a grill ... but not the one that cooks food.
Maybe these people haven't been educated about how red lights on the back of a vehicle means that vehicle is stopping. Actually most of these people haven't been educated about anything so I guess that answers my question. If you drive less than a car's length away from the person in front of you it probably means that you're too close. And guess what? There is enough room to go around and pass if you want so do it! I'm not driving the speed limit. I'm a little faster than that so it's not like I'm slowing your dumb ass up.
6. Red lights are optional.
Once again this is another example of southerners not knowing what the hell a red light is. Seriously hillbilly, stop your beat ass car! A red light is not a suggestion. If it goes yellow it doesn't mean speed your ass up and when it turns red it definitely doesn't mean floor it so you make it before the other traffic moves through the intersection. But that's the way theses idiots think. Traveling through an intersection 3-4 seconds after the light has changed is a common practice. But hey I guess if the police don't enforce it it's because they've got more important donuts to eat.
5. Whores make things easier.
So a common practice I've seen, and this is a very open practice, is for whores to hang out in bars and just go home with whoever is willing to pay their price. I mean at least Northern whores are classy and let you drink in peace before you pick them up on Grant and 5th. But these southern whores will try straddling up with whoever they think might still have 9 dollars at the end of the night. It's a sad fact but it's true. Unfortunately these girls are probably still just as clean as the normal southern chick who you would take home.
4. You can't beat the heat.
I'm not talking about the summers down here I'm talking about the gas companies. I live in a place where everything runs off of electric except for our heat which we might use two or three months out of the year and only sparingly. But because your house is gas heat you'll be charged 12 months of the year for it. Why? Because the gas company will charge you just to keep the gas line open. Nobody in their right mind would use that crap during the summer but they'll write up a bill and list the retarded charge as 'convenience fee' or some retarded southern shit like that.
3. Property tax.
If you can build it you can drive it. There is no such thing as inspection or emission requirements down here. If you can put a motor in a trash can and make it run than you can drive it in the south. Actually I think that's a common practice for a lot of the people here. The gay thing here is that the state will charge you a property tax for owning a car. Didn't I already pay taxes on this thing when I bought it?!? WTF?!? Just another thing that makes the Durrrty South great.
2. The illegal blitz.
This is a common practice. Probably because the cops are too dumb to actually get drunk drivers during a real checkpoint but that's coming soon. Cops around here will pull up behind your car and pull you over. No reason is given so it would be easy to fight in a state with a normal judicial system. They'll remove you from your car and give you a sobriety test. Like I said they will not have any reason to pull you over and zero probable cause to give you a sobriety test. But I doubt they'll get in trouble for it. I have a suspicious feeling that the judges around here are just as retarded as the cops. But this brings me to the last point ...
1. The DUI checkpoint?
Here's why the cops have to do the illegal blitz to ever catch a drunk driver: They warn you about their DUI checkpoints! But not like normal DUI checkpoint warnings. They'll post a sign telling you to slow down and prepare for the checkpoint. Unfortunately they aren't smart enough to post it after the highway exit. They'll post a sign and if you're too drunk to pass you can pull off on the next exit which will be ahead of their setup. Too drunk? Don't want to get put in jail? No problem! The cops aren't smart enough to nab you anyways!
Come on southerners! Common sense will go a long way in earning the respect of the North. I guess that's too much to ask sometimes.

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