TEXTING RULES

Texting is a great leap in technology. You can make plans, vote for All Star teams, American Idol and avoid talking to people you don't like. However, some concerns have come to light.


1. In the car - texting while driving is dangerous, so be careful when you do it! Refrain from it in bad weather, but if taking one hand off the wheel to drink a pop, talk on the phone, eat breakfast, do your hair or touch your girl is allowed under the law, feel free to take a hand to text other people. Just don't be the guy who gets in an accident and wrecks into me or causes me to wait in traffic. Otherwise I don't care.

2. In the bathroom - reading the sports section on the john is for middle aged men. At work, the best way to catch up on returning my text messages is on the toilet. However, once you use toilet paper, refrain from any more text messages until you have washed your hands.

3. At family get togethers. Go ahead and text. If your extended family objects ... inform them that they should be more interesting if you are to pay more attention to them.

4. After midnight - 72% of text messages after midnight are booty calls or some variation there of. When your phone buzzes after midnight expect it to be someone who wants to knock boots.

5. For the other 28%, feel free to text whatever you want. Just remember that your parents, boss, or friends who have work in the morning may not want to be woken up by a text inviting them to eat at Denny's at 2 a.m. I wish cell phones came with a breathalyzer feature that was would require you to be sober to text between midnight and 4 a.m but until then a padlock will suffice.

6. Guys in relationships - when texting girls who aren't your girlfriend or a relative, quickly delete your inbox before your girl checks your phone. Also, change up your ringtones on occasion if you have different ones for different groups so your girl can't always tell who is texting you.

7. On a date - You're phone should be off or on silent during a date. Responding to text messages while you are on a date is a guaranteed way to not have to make her breakfast in the morning. Trust me: that new blonde joke you just received can wait till the next day.

8. Two days is still the industry standard to call a girl after you meet her, (if you don't know what I'm talking about go watch Swingers) however, use are free to use your best discetion about whether to text her before then.

9. In class - if the Professor is reviewing the same material for the 3rd freaking time feel free to text some friends to maintain your sanity. Just make sure you keep listening to him so you don't get embarrassed when you have no idea whats going on when he calls on you.

10. At work - in this economy you should probably refrain from texting at work. At the very least don't let your boss see you doing it. In general though, texting is a great way communicate with the outside world while avoiding the potential for your employer reading your email.

11. Don't listen to what people over 40 say about text messaging. People with gray hair are not the target demographic of Verizon and other cell phone companies texting plans. Frankly it is a demographic they can do without.

12. Texting IS NOT the way to announce your VP pick! You listening Obama? First, by doing so at 3 a.m. you just violated rule number 4! Secondly, like I needed woken up at 3 in the morning in the middle of beautiful drunk sleep to receive a text announcing Joe Biden as your VP pick. I'm guessing like 29% of people responded back saying Joe Who? since no one under 50 even knows who he is. FYI, texts containing Sarah Palin pics will be greatly appreciated at any time of the day.

13. Lastly, and this is most important, be unique in your emails. Don't make it a habit to constantly forward other jokes, pictures, etc. from other people without occasionally coming up with something good of your won.