The Rundown

Congratulations are in order to the Pitt football team who somehow (despite their coach) went 9-3 earning the second best bowl game in the Big East. Apparently some team called the Bearcats won the Conference. But it will be Pitt squaring off against the Oregon State on New Year's Eve in the Sun Bowl. I think this will be a really good matchup but I predict a Pitt victory (of course) 42-35 in OT.

Speaking of Bowl games Penn St get's to take on USC in a classic Pac Ten - Big Ten matchup. Both teams are worthy of a shot at the National title but since the NCAA and the BCS suck more dick than a gay man in San Francisco we'll never know how far they would have gone in an actual playoff. Instead we have to watch Florida play Oklahoma. You know ... '#2' Oklahoma who has the same record as #3 Texas but lost to Texas when the two squared off earlier in the season. Yeah .... but this championship system is cool. Nobody really wants to see who the best team is. We'd rather let some douchebag who knows more about 'html' code than actual freakin' football games tell us who are the top two teams than see a playoff.

I've come to realize that I've been extremely harsh on Mr. Ben Roethlisberger as of late. I mean he hasn't been playing great football lately but like a lot of other people I seem to blame him a lot for our lack of offense more than he deserves. The facts are that Ben has been playing hurt and without the same arm strength that he can when he's healthy thus affecting his ability to throw the deep ball or to be as accurate a he is capable of. The guy is a warrior and unlike quarterbacks of old (see Kordell Stewart) Ben has that ability to make a special play at any moment and bring the Steelers back in the game. Ben is capable of greatness when he has a competent (not all-star but competent) offensive line and even more importantly a competent coordinator calling in the plays.

So for the second game in a row the Pens lose but this one was worse than the Ottawa game. This game was at home and the Pens again blew a lead to the Buffalo Sabres. They let the Sabres score three unanswered goals and win the game in regulation. On a side note Hal Gill went down in the Ottawa game and will be out 2-4 weeks.

The Bucs released their Spring Training schedule and things couldn't be more exciting. Awesome! Soon we'll find out which new overpaid underachievers will be playing for us this year! And we still have a few weeks left to sign more of them! Oh joy! If that didn't get your heart pounding maybe this will:

Then again ... maybe we'll just get that record of 17 losing seasons this year.

Oregon State vs. Penn State: A football diary

Today Runhigh calls me up and says “Hey, wanna play the football drinking rules to the Penn State game?” Well …. Okay. It doesn’t take a lot to convince me to drink. I mean granted the game doesn’t start until 3:30 when my girlfriend gets off of work but I’ll just tell her to go hang out with her family, who’s in town, until the game is over. She won’t (will) mind. But this is all so we can use the newly acquired rules that me and Runhigh decided on. Since it’s a college game we had to modify a few of the rules.

Change 1) Ed Hochuli Rule is changed to the Joe Pa Rule – Every time you see Joe Pa drink for 5 seconds.

Change 2) The King Rule is changed to the College Rule – Anytime a commercial for one of the two colleges playing appears you have to drink for 10 seconds.

Change 3) The Maddenism Rule is changed to the Sideline reporter Rule – Anytime they show the sideline reporter you have to drink 5 seconds.

On to the drinking!

3:00 - Ohio has officially blown the game to Ohio St. Me and Runhigh go on a beer run.

3:10 – We grab a case of Pennsylvania’s Finest and while returning Runhigh tries to honk my horn as we pass an attractive 15 yr old. I block it. Thank God.

3:27 – They do a Joe Pa montage. We decide to drink 10 seconds. ABC starts our drinking off big.

3:31 – They show a sideline reporter and Joe Pa back to back. We have half of our first beer done in the first 5 minutes.

3:34 – Penn State puts the opening kickoff out of bounds. God I have a bad feeling about this. At least they didn’t return it for more drinking.

3:37 – Oregon State returns the favor and gives a pretty crappy punt. Runhigh reminds me that the kickoff had a penalty and the Penalty Rule is enacted. We decide the kick went out at the 20 and we owe 20 seconds. First beer done.

3:39 – Penn State throws a first down. 5 more seconds. Eff!

3:42 – Paul MaGuire asks if anyone mentions that the PSU QB is from his high school. I shout at the TV that no one effing cares. Penn State scores on the next play. 7 seconds of drinking for the points. Second beer is done.

3:56 - A couple of first downs. A couple of drinks. Penn State scores and we drink 7 more. 14-0 with 5 minutes left in the 1st quarter.

4:00 – Oregon St returns the kick for 20 yards. They immediately get a first down. Beer three done. It’s been a half hour. This day is awesome. We’re getting so effed up. Yes!

4:15 – Cheerleaders come on the tube. I finish my fourth during their airtime.

4:16 – Me and Runhigh get into a weed discussion. We still decide that that weed should be legalized. We also decide that we shouldn't touch it since our government related jobs drug test.

4:17 – PSU scores. 21-0.

4:29 – PSU drives down and scores again. We drink some more. I’m finishing my sixth as Runghigh is pouring his sixth. I’m bringing glory to my screen name. We start discussing Obama on the Bill O’Reilly show and our personal views on Iran. How do politics keep coming into a day of drinking and football?!? I hate election years!

4:33 – I have an apartment with a balcony overlooking the street. A cream colored car parks outside and we decide that my apartment walls are the same color. We keep making fun of the car until the owner comes out and moves it.

4:39 – Runhigh starts drinking big to catch up. 6 beers to five is a lot so he has a lot of drinking but he fares well.

4:40 – OSU finally scores. I cuss and the neighbors look up from across the street. Eff them! I’m drinking bitches!!! Runhigh complete his beer and is half of a beer behind me! I’ve gotta work. When we go out to the Southside he usually is in the lead. I’ve gotta keep on offense.

4:42 – Runhigh points out a beer commercial. We drink some more. I finish my seventh. I rule! He starts bringing his ‘A’ game.

4:49 – I update my girlfriend on the score. She immediately calls me but only to say “Thanks for letting me know the score! I love you! Goodbye!” I usually talk to her for at least five minutes and I tell Runhigh of my shock of a 30 second call. He says “Is this a new Happy Gilmore?” We laugh and drink. She doesn't know that I'm getting wasted. I'll be yelled at later. That's my incentive to not be coherent for it.

4:51 – PSU scores! 35-7 the Lions are kicking ass. I’m a half beer ahead of Runhigh. I love this game!

4:54 – We listen to a voicemail that Runhigh sent me last night (which woke up my girlfriend and pissed her off). He tells me that he made out with a fat chick to wingman for his buddy. He told me nothing happened earlier! Liar! He’s a chubby chaser!! Lol! Okay, at least he didn’t screw her!

4:57 – PSU goes for a 60 yard FG. The miss by like two yards!

5:01 – Sideline reporter interviews Joe Pa. 10 second drink! 35-7at halftime.

5:03 – Runhigh finishes his 7th beer. I finish my 8th. Runhigh decides he needs to drinks faster to “obliterate the memory of the fat chick from last night!” He claims no wood happened. It was just wingman tactics. Unfortunately I believe him so I can’t rag on him too much.

5:20 – Runhigh and I discuss the advantages of girlfriends that give morning head. This discussion is too raunchy to blog but I’m sure that most guys know what’s going on here. Gotta love the chick that’s about morning head! You’ve got a keeper there!

5:27 – Penn State fumbles at the 1 yard line. The PSU fans start to give the safety sign. I love fans that know football. Idiots … they should know better than to give a safety sign. Oregon State recovers and has to travel the whole field. Impossible!

5:28 - Oregon State gets a first down. And then another. Damn! Half of my beer for a turnover and then 6 seconds for two consecutive first downs!

5:38 – ABC shows us what is happened before and after Joe Pa has been born. Runhigh says sliced bread is the best thing since Joe Paterno (1926 vs. 1928). Joe Pa wins by two years!

5:42 – ABC let's us know that WVU is losing 10-3. We love it!

5:44 – PSU QB rushes for the TD. 38-7 Penn State! We’re losing count of how many beers we drank. The case is quickly disappearing.

5:50 – ABC interviews the PSU cheerleaders. So we add 5 seconds for the sideline reporters, about 5 for the cheerleaders and then PSU intercepts so we add a half of beer for the turnover. Shiite!!!!!!!!!!!

5:52 – Field Goal Penn state! 41-7 the Lions are up!

5:56 – ABC just showed us that East Carolina is beating WVU 17-3. Go Pitt!

6:01 – My buddy Joey K tells me that it’s cool that I bring Runhigh over to UFC 88 tonight. Liddell vs. Evans! I love Liddell. He’ll kick ass. Runhigh tells me I have a perfect face for radio. I flick him off and tell him to screw himself. “Fuck you Runhigh!” Anyways I’m cool and Runhigh sucks dick! He informs me he charges for that now. I tell him them the prices are too high and that he’s gotta pay for his own rent!

6:16 – The punter fakes his punt and gets the first down. The Refs call a penalty and bring it back. They re-kick the punt. Damnit! Runhigh calls everyone gay!

6:18 – They show the Phelps commercial. Runhigh declares that we should drink to it so we do! 5 seconds! Damn! I drink my ass off! I start a rant that is incoherent and causes more drinking. These rules are no joke!

6:27 – Penn State punts it away. The OSU returner get’s Jacked up So we drink 5 seconds. No slowing down for the weak! Drink 5 seconds!

6:37 – Joe Pa is shown like 72 times. We owe something close to 47 seconds worth of drinking time. Whatever! My math is horrible after 12 beers in 3 hours. We drink some more. There are like 3 beers left but they were from a previous case. I out drink Runhigh! I own Runhigh. Suck it Germans!!! I rule!

6:40 – Penn State is a winner! Joe Pa wins! 45-14 PSU wins!

So me and Runhigh finish off the rest of the beer. It’s a celebration!
It’s time to pass out so that we can drive to UFC later. Damn I’m messed up.
Runhigh goes online and figures out that our BAC is somewhere north of .20 …. Maybe my girlfriend will drive. Right now I’m walking … well, okay … I’m stumbling down Irish Road.