Welcome to the Dirty South

A few weeks ago I asked my friend Big Country to send me a list of all the things that make the South Great. Big Country is a displaced Pittsburgher trying to survive in South Carolina. I feel bad for my friend seeing that most places are trailers with outhouses instead of running water. But the tough will survive .... and somehow the stupid survive with them. Anyways he sent me up a pretty good list and I just wanted to share with you some great southern culture.

10. Watering the lawn

I was driving into work today and I saw somebody with their sprinklers running. No big deal normally ... except it was pouring down rain. I mean seriously the torrential downpour isn't enough water for you? Okay ... let's give them some help and say it was just too early for them to wake up and shut it off. Except it wasn't. We know they were just too stupid to do that.

9. Why don't you buy two 12 packs?

As a beer drinker who likes to store some in his refrigerator for more than one night a 12 pack just won't do. It is literally next to impossible to find a case of beer in the south. They've got 6, 12, and believe it or not I've seen 18 packs but you can't find a case of 24. Hell you're going to find 40's like they're going out of style. The 24 case is like a unicorn once you've gone below the Mason Dixon line. I know you can at least go to your local gas station and get beer but I don't want to have to go out every night to get more beer. I'd like to know that I've got more than one left after crushing 10 or so while watching some crappy SEC team play another crappy SEC team.

8. Slow is not an adjective it's a way of life.

Can somebody please tell me what the point of being on time is? You'll have better luck finding a legal immigrant in Los Angeles than you will finding somebody who is on time in the south. I'm now convinced that the reason they love NASCAR is because they're the only people who can do anything fast down here. Hobbies of Southerners: Watch Paint dry, drink crappy beer, watch paint dry, hump your sister, drink crappy beer, and watch paint dry. If it takes effort don't try and sell it down here.

7. Tailgating with a grill ... but not the one that cooks food.

Maybe these people haven't been educated about how red lights on the back of a vehicle means that vehicle is stopping. Actually most of these people haven't been educated about anything so I guess that answers my question. If you drive less than a car's length away from the person in front of you it probably means that you're too close. And guess what? There is enough room to go around and pass if you want so do it! I'm not driving the speed limit. I'm a little faster than that so it's not like I'm slowing your dumb ass up.

6. Red lights are optional.

Once again this is another example of southerners not knowing what the hell a red light is. Seriously hillbilly, stop your beat ass car! A red light is not a suggestion. If it goes yellow it doesn't mean speed your ass up and when it turns red it definitely doesn't mean floor it so you make it before the other traffic moves through the intersection. But that's the way theses idiots think. Traveling through an intersection 3-4 seconds after the light has changed is a common practice. But hey I guess if the police don't enforce it it's because they've got more important donuts to eat.

5. Whores make things easier.

So a common practice I've seen, and this is a very open practice, is for whores to hang out in bars and just go home with whoever is willing to pay their price. I mean at least Northern whores are classy and let you drink in peace before you pick them up on Grant and 5th. But these southern whores will try straddling up with whoever they think might still have 9 dollars at the end of the night. It's a sad fact but it's true. Unfortunately these girls are probably still just as clean as the normal southern chick who you would take home.

4. You can't beat the heat.

I'm not talking about the summers down here I'm talking about the gas companies. I live in a place where everything runs off of electric except for our heat which we might use two or three months out of the year and only sparingly. But because your house is gas heat you'll be charged 12 months of the year for it. Why? Because the gas company will charge you just to keep the gas line open. Nobody in their right mind would use that crap during the summer but they'll write up a bill and list the retarded charge as 'convenience fee' or some retarded southern shit like that.

3. Property tax.

If you can build it you can drive it. There is no such thing as inspection or emission requirements down here. If you can put a motor in a trash can and make it run than you can drive it in the south. Actually I think that's a common practice for a lot of the people here. The gay thing here is that the state will charge you a property tax for owning a car. Didn't I already pay taxes on this thing when I bought it?!? WTF?!? Just another thing that makes the Durrrty South great.

2. The illegal blitz.

This is a common practice. Probably because the cops are too dumb to actually get drunk drivers during a real checkpoint but that's coming soon. Cops around here will pull up behind your car and pull you over. No reason is given so it would be easy to fight in a state with a normal judicial system. They'll remove you from your car and give you a sobriety test. Like I said they will not have any reason to pull you over and zero probable cause to give you a sobriety test. But I doubt they'll get in trouble for it. I have a suspicious feeling that the judges around here are just as retarded as the cops. But this brings me to the last point ...

1. The DUI checkpoint?

Here's why the cops have to do the illegal blitz to ever catch a drunk driver: They warn you about their DUI checkpoints! But not like normal DUI checkpoint warnings. They'll post a sign telling you to slow down and prepare for the checkpoint. Unfortunately they aren't smart enough to post it after the highway exit. They'll post a sign and if you're too drunk to pass you can pull off on the next exit which will be ahead of their setup. Too drunk? Don't want to get put in jail? No problem! The cops aren't smart enough to nab you anyways!

Come on southerners! Common sense will go a long way in earning the respect of the North. I guess that's too much to ask sometimes.

NFL PICKS: Week 5

So last week comes and I get back on track with another good week of picks. I've figured out that I have to keep myself from getting cocky or else I'll end up throwing out a gopher and pick 25%. Picking 75% is so much better. I've also learned that you can't bet on Denver's Defense ... I mean that weak as group of guys they trot out when their defense should be on the field. I've learned that Favre guy can still 'sling' the football down the field a few times . . . even if it is only against a weak NFC West team. I've learned that weak NFC West team is still going to make the playoffs even if a more worthy NFC East team has a better record. I've learned that the Jaguars CAN actually win at home against the Texans .... barely. I've learned that the Dallas team has no heart so far this year. Finally I've learned that Pittsburgh's D is still greater than Baltimore's D. On to the Picks!

SUNDAY OCTOBER 5TH

Kansas City Chiefs at Carolina Panthers (-7.5)

I know the Chiefs threw up a few last week against the Broncos but first they were at home and second it was against Denver's Defense. Come on! I've seen high school teams with more pop than the Denver team. This week they face a squad with talent on both sides of the ball. It won't matter who is under center for Kansas City because the Panthers will make it a long day for them.

Panthers -7.5

Chicago Bears (-4) at Detroit Lions

I hate these Vegas screwy spreads. The ones where I'm more shocked at how low the spread is than how high it should be. What does Vegas know applies here. Last week that was the Eagles Bear's game for me and I got killed on that. This week the Bears are involved again. Don't bet on the Lions overrides that and I'll take the Bears and their resurgent D.

Bears -4

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers (-6)

I was so high on the Pack this year and so ready to root for somebody else to lead them who wasn't named Brett Favre. Rodgers came out like a white knight to start the season and just as quickly has faded. Atlanta on the other hand isn't exactly the cupcake that I thought they would be. Matt Ryan has shown he may be worth the investment that the Falcons placed in him when they drafted him. He's only going to get better. While I don't see the Falcons trotting into Green Bay and taking home a victory I also don't see the Pack winning by six.

Falcons +6

San Diego Chargers (-5) at Miami Dolphins

Can the Dolphins do the same thing to the Chargers that they did to the Patriots? You bet! Will it actually happen? You better not bet! Let's face it. The Dolphins only had one of those kind of games in them this season against a tough opponent. The Chargers won't fall for those kind of shenanigans under Cam Cam (did I really just say that?). The Lightning Bolts will come out quick and fly home with victory under their belts.

Chargers -5

Seattle Seahawks at New York Giants (-5)

This (and probably most from here on out for the NFC East) is a must win game for the Giants. You can't go down two in their division this year and expect to win. They play at home against a team who is showing themselves to be soft this year. Expect the Seachickens to keep it up and the Giants to punish them.

Giants -5

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (even)

So let's look at the Eagles. One week they hang with the Cowgirls in Dallas in an exciting high scoring game and lose. The next they battle the Steelers at home in a defensive game and win. The following they lose on the road to the Bears in a tight one. The Redskins on the other hand Lost the opener against the champs and haven't lost since including on the road against Dallas last week. Winning twice on the road in the NFC East would be soooo sweet. Um ... not gonna happen though.

Eagles win

Tennessee Titans (-2) at Baltimore Ravens

This should be the first real test of the Titans offense. Up until now they haven't really been exposed for anything but they haven't played anyone tough except for an out of sync Jaguar squad in Week 1. The Ravens had a short week after a tough Monday night loss in Pittsburgh. Their defense will be hungry to swallow up an old QB like Collins. Of course most people in Baltimore are hungry to swallow up .... never mind.

Ravens +2

Indianapolis Colts (-4.5) at Houston Texans

The Colts get some healthy O-line help this week and that spells trouble for the one thing the Texans could be proud of, their Defensive line. Give Peyton more time against the Texan secondary and you've got yourself an equation for a big fantasy points game for Mr. Advertisement himself Manning.

Colts -4.5

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos (-2.5)

Does anybody really believe that the Broncos are for real after their D let up 33 to the Chiefs? What the hell was that? The Bucs have a pretty solid squad on both sides of the ball and should be able to apply some pressure to Mr. Arm Strength, Jay Cutler. That will make things difficult since his Defense is allowing something like 78 points a game.

Buccaneers +2.5

Buffalo Bills (-4) at Arizona Cardinals

Sleeper vs. Sleeper!!! What to do what to do? Well it's actually easy. I'll take the sleeper that has shown some football skill and not the one that will go to the playoffs because their division sucks ass.

Bills -4

New England Patriots (-1) at San Francisco 49er's

This Matt Cassell guy sucks. Either that or what we've all been saying outside of those on the Boston payroll believe. You know that Belichick is only good with Tom Brady under center. I mean how can you screw up coaching when you have a couple of future hall of famers on your team. Well el Senor Sleeveless Hoodie is finding out that you actually have to be smart to win in the NFL .... that or play against teams like the 49er's.

Patriots -1

Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys (-12.5)

Something tells me that we won't be seeing Chad Ocho Cinco kissing the star this weekend. But I've really got a funny feeling about this spread on the game. No ... I don't think the Cowboys will win by 12.5. I actually think they'll win by 25. You can bet the only WR show that's going on in Dallas this Sunday will be T.O. courtesy of Tony Romo.

Cowboys -12.5

Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars (even)

If anyone actually believes the Steelers are just hoping to survive in Jacksonville this weekend they are dead wrong. I really think Mewelde Moore is prepping himself for a big game. I don't know what it is but whens the last time you saw a running back low on the charts get a chance to showcase himself? It doesn't happen often. I haven't seen enough from the Jags to make me come off of my hometown picks yet.

Steelers win

MONDAY OCTOBER 6

Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints (-4)

I didn't know if I would say this this year but the Saints are looking pretty solid. The Vikings, and I'll remind everyone again, the preseason favorite to go to the Super Bowl look like crap. But the fun side story in this game is the Adrian Peterson vs. Reggie Bush show. Two of the most exciting backs from college meeting in the NFL on the national stage. I'm hoping for some fireworks and expecting the Saints to come out on top.

Saints -4

Last Weeks Record: 8-5

Season Record: 32-28

LANNY FRETTARE RETIRES

After 33 years of dedicated service, the lead broadcaster for the Pirates, Lanny Frattare retired. Call me biased but I say being able to trot out announcers such as Myron Cope, Lanny Frattare and Mike Lange at the same time allowed Pittsburgh to claim having the best group of announcers in sports. Unfortunately, now all 3 announcers I grew up with are gone. Frattare and Cope are understandable as no man can outrun Father Time, but why is Mike Lange exiled to radio? Having Mike Lange on radio is like putting C.C. Sabathia in the minor leagues. It makes no sense.



Team President Frank Coonelly said the Pirates will begin an exhaustive search for a replacement. While Frattare was great I would hope "the best management team in baseball" begins an exhaustive search for better baseball players.



Potential reasons Lanny Frattare retired:



1. With dearth of power on the Pirates, knows his trademark phrase, "Go ball! Get out of here!" won't be used much next season.



2. Is tired of dealing with the airlines on road trips.



3. Doesn't want to announce a potential record breaking 17th straight losing season.

STEELERS 23 - RAVENS 20

The Steelers victory over the hated Ravens allowed them to extend their NFL record to 14 straight home wins on Monday Night Football.

Some notes from the game:

• Mewelde Moore finally made an appearance with 3 big catches for 37 yards although only managing 13 yards on 8 carries.
  
• James Harrison and Lamar Woodley are quickly becoming the top duo of outside linebackers in the league. They combined for 10 tackles, 8 assists, 4 sacks, w forced fumbles and one touchdown.


• Jeff Reed made all 3 field goal attempts and has now made 30 of his last 32 field goals with the only missing being a 65 yarder last year at Denver and during the Mud Bowl vs. the Dolphins at Heinz Field.


• Rashad Mendenhall and Kendall Simmons are out for the season after suffering a fractured shoulder and torn achilles respectively.

So where do the Steelers go from here? The Steelers offense was abysmal in the first half last night. It only began to function after the Steelers went to their no-huddle offense. Expect more of that next week as Jacksonville's defense is tough against the run and Mewelde Moore, the likely starting running back, specializes as a pass catcher.

The Steelers must choose a replacement for Kendall Simmons. The way I see it, they have 3 options: Insert either Darnell Stapleton or Trai Essex into his spot or slide Willie Colon to guard and insert $7 Million Man Max Starks at right tackle. Seeing how Stapleton is inexperienced and Willie Colon has never played guard in the NFL, the smart money is on Trai Essex starting next week.

At running back expect the Steelers to sign Gary Russell off the practice squad and maybe another back depending on the condition of Carey Davis's sprained ankle. Other than that, just pray for Willie Parker's quick recovery and that the injury bug doesn't strike again.

Give the Steelers Defensive line credit. Baltimore was unable to establish any semblance of dominance even with backups playing at the Nose Tackle and Right Defensive End positions. Baltimore average only 3.1 yards per carry which allowed the linebackers plenty of 3rd and longs to tee off on Joe Flacco.

Was that the Steelers kick coverage team we saw last night or did we trade them for something better while I was drinking at Oktoberfest over the weekend? 4 punt returns for 7 yards and 6 kickoff returns for 120 yards are definetly an improvement over recent years.

It was good to see 3rd round pick LB Bruce Davis actually get into uniform. What wasn't so good was getting flagged for an illegal block in the first quarter.

Your updated AFC North Standings:

Steelers 3-1

Ravens 2-1

Browns 1-3

Bengals 0-4

It's good to see order restored in the world. The Steelers are now tied for the 3rd best record in the AFC with the Denver Broncos and behind the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills.

However the Cardinals and 49's are tied for the division lead in the NFC West with identical 2-2 records. So maybe things are only right on the East Coast.